Jake ve amir partner

[Fan Script] Jake and Amir: Soundcloud Rapper

2019.06.20 20:34 moviefan6 [Fan Script] Jake and Amir: Soundcloud Rapper

INTRO
AMIR: I'm Jim Rick, bitch!
JAKE: How'd you botch that so badly?
END OF INTRO
INT. OFFICE
JAKE's working while AMIR's wearing a hoodie and a ski mask.
JAKE: What's with the mask, dude?
AMIR gives a smug wink.
JAKE: Don't wink at me like we're both in on this.
AMIR shrugs.
JAKE: You're acting like I know deep down what this is all about, but I honestly have no clue. You look like you're about to pull off a heist.
AMIR (muffled): If you have to know...
AMIR rips off the mask, revealing a horrifically tattooed face and bedazzled teeth. He completes the look by putting on sunglasses.
JAKE: Oh!
AMIR: Oh yeah!
JAKE: You look terrible.
AMIR: I feel terrible, buster!
JAKE: Of course! You've completely fucked up your face, and it looks like you put the grill back in.
AMIR: Nah, I sold it to Leron years ago. I actually bedazzled my own teeth by hand, no anesthesia required. I even put my wisdom teeth back in and bedazzled them individually to get more bling, more shine out of the fuckers.
JAKE: Why? Why put yourself through that?
AMIR: I'm a Soundcloud rapper now!
JAKE: That's not a good reason.
AMIR: Some of the biggest rappers around came from the Soundcloud scene. You ever heard of 6ix9ine? Post Malone? David Byrne?
JAKE: David Byrne was the lead singer of Talking Heads.
AMIR: Really? Shit, that's bad news for me actually. Point still stands.
JAKE: What point are you making here?
AMIR: The point is that all those guys-
JAKE: Not all those guys, right? David Byrne's not a-
AMIR: Most of those guys came from Soundcloud, and they're uber-successful now. So my thinking is if I do exactly what they do, I'll be rich in no time.
JAKE: So you did all this, permanently scaring your body and teeth, to gain a modicum of fame? That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
AMIR: Tell that to my Soundcloud buddy Richie Bitch.
JAKE: Richie Bitch?
RICHIE (with face tattoos as disturbing as AMIR's) jumps up from under AMIR's desk.
RICHIE: I'm richer than Richie and I get all that poonanny.
AMIR: How long have you been under there?
RICHIE: Two years. It's surprisingly roomy, like there's a pocket dimension in there or something.
AMIR: Me and Richie have been collabing on a new track for a month or so. You wanna hear it?
JAKE: Not really, no.
RICHIE: Too bad.
RICHIE presses play on AMIR's computer. The track starts with the sounds of a lighter clicking on and off as a wolf howls.
RICHIE (song, not rapping): Yo man, birds are crazy. They got wings and shit, and they can fly places we can't. We should aspire to be like the humble seagull, stealing people's food like a pimp. I wonder when they'll make a sequel to Meet Dave. You know that Eddie Murphy movie Meet Dave? Shit was fire. I drunkenly kissed my sister on New Years. We haven't talked since, and therapy's expensive, so I wanted to get that off my chest. We're good.
Ten seconds of silence.
JAKE: Was that-
The song devolves into a incomprehensible mish-mash of rap beats stolen from classic songs. JAKE clutches his ears in pain.
AMIR (song, "rapping"): I GOT THAT PUSSY IN THE BANK CASH FLOW HUNDRED BILLS BULLETS I GOT A BERETTA MAD SHIT WACK SHIT RICHIE KISSED HIS SISTER ON NEW YEARS PAY ME CASH DOLLAR BILLS SPONSORED BY AT&T JAKE HURWITZ
AMIR turns off the song.
AMIR: It goes on for like twenty minutes after that, but I think you get the gist of it. What'd you think?
JAKE: Terrible. I wouldn't even call it Soundcloud rap, it's just an assault on the senses.
RICHIE: Well, it's a work in progress.
AMIR: What are you talking about, work in progress? That was the finished product. I uploaded the bish three days ago.
JAKE: You mentioned you were sponsored by AT&T?
AMIR: Yeah. I also mentioned my Beretta.
AMIR pulls out his aforementioned Beretta.
AMIR: And ya didn't nitpick that!
JAKE: Dude, put the gun down.
AMIR: Relax, man. It's a goof. It's not even loaded.
AMIR accidentally shoots RICHIE in the chest. RICHIE looks down at his wound then back at AMIR.
RICHIE (tears in his eyes): We were gonna make it big, man. Just you and me.
RICHIE falls over.
JAKE: Holy shit!
AMIR: I'm calling my partner in Toluca Lake. If Jimmy's ass ain't home, I don't know what the fuck we gonna do, man.
JAKE: What?
AMIR: It's from Pulp Friction.
JAKE: Call an ambulance!
AMIR: Gimme a sec, I gotta follow through with the reference. Jimmy, how you doing man, it's Jules!
END
OUTRO
INT. HOSPITAL
RICHIE comes to in a hospital bed.
RICHIE: What the hell happened?
NURSE: Don't worry, you're gonna be fine. Apparently your friend Amir Blumenfeld shot you in the chest.
RICHIE: Yeah, that was wild. Wait, say that again.
NURSE: Your friend Amir Blumenfeld shot you in the chest.
RICHIE chuckles.
RICHIE: You know, that sounds like a pretty good rap song.
The video freezes and turns black and white as the camera zooms in, Ken Burns style.
RICHIE (V.O.): And after I recorded that track, my life changed forever.
END OF OUTRO
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2019.02.24 03:51 moviefan6 [Script] Jake and Amir: Porn

INTRO
AMIR: You excited for the season finale of False Detective?
JAKE: Just focus on the intro.
END OF INTRO
INT. OFFICE
JAKE and AMIR are in their usual positions. AMIR's watching a video with loud orgasmic noises. JAKE looks at him.
JAKE: If you're gonna watch porn at work, which you shouldn't, at least have the decency to do it silently.
AMIR: Hey man, I'm not watching porn. Plus, I'm wearing earbuds, so you can't hear it.
JAKE: Have you ever told a convincing lie?
AMIR: I lie to myself every day.
JAKE: So sad. Besides, your earbuds aren't plugged into anything, and you've got speakers plugged in at full blast.
AMIR: I can't hear the frickin' thing without the speakers.
JAKE: Get your hearing checked. Besides, this isn't the first time you've jerked off at work. It's a weekly occurrence for you at this point, bud. And every time, you stumble upon a different humiliation video that makes you cry for an hour and a half straight. It gets more pathetic each time.
AMIR: If you think that's bad, I've developed a strange new fetish. A whole new woooorrrrlllld, a new fantastic point of JEW!
Beat.
JAKE: You know what man, let's just stop the conversation here. I don't want to hear anything else about this.
AMIR: Aw c'mon, don't be bashful, dude. Take a guess.
JAKE: I'm not gonna guess.
AMIR: Take a wager.
JAKE: I don't want to.
AMIR grabs JAKE's arm.
AMIR: Take a fucking wager, dude!
JAKE: Get your hands off me! Fine, I'm guessing maybe it's some dominatrix based stuff? I don't know.
AMIR: Impressive. Every word in that sentence was wrong. It's dominatrix based erotic hypnosis.
JAKE: So I wasn't that far off.
AMIR: Picture this: Once upon a midnight dreary, I woke with something in my BED! Namely, a dusty-ass dick softer than Ben Stein's forehead and half as dry.
JAKE: What the fuck are you talking about?
AMIR: I marched my sorry ass out of bed and started my search for Pornhub's diners, drive-ins and dives. Lo and behold, I discover this sexual trance video, hosted by a Brit no less. Curious, I decided to press play. Next thing you know, I'm six feet under this Irish whore's spell. Things are going on in this dream that I didn't think I had the imagination for. She's still putting me on blast, be sure of that, but less so than she would be in reality. I come to twelve hours later, dick even softer than before, but I had fully shat myself. Ever since then, I've been chasing that sexual high.
JAKE: What high?
AMIR: Excuse?
JAKE: You watched an erotic hypnosis video, didn't even get hard, passed out for twelve hours, and shat your pants. That's not fun, that's not a high. You should be ashamed of yourself, not trying to do that again.
AMIR shrugs at JAKE. JAKE shrugs back. AMIR finally closes his computer in shame.
JAKE: Even in your dream, like your perfect scenario, your partner's putting you on blast?
AMIR: In the dream she's played by Ellen DeGeneres, okay?
END
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2018.11.14 20:15 MarkdownShadowBot Removed comments/submissions for /u/Nothin2Prove

Hi Nothin2Prove, you're not shadowbanned, but some of your comments/submissions were removed. Comments/submissions may be removed automatically by spam filters and not necessarily by human moderators.
Reviewed most recent 206 comments/submissions. Found 21 removed.
Comment: /photoshopbattles, 2018-11-14, "PsBattle: Old man taking a dip", 1pts:
Is this the Ganges? I could have swore there was more shit in it.
Comment: /Showerthoughts, 2018-11-14, "Teachers get paid surprisingly little considering the...", 1pts:
ACHKTUALLY....
Comment: /news, 2018-11-14, "Retired firefighter who fired shotgun at black teen gets up...", 1pts:
Your response is too abstract. Dumb it down so us retarded philistines can understand what you’re conveying.
Comment: /changemyview, 2018-11-14, "CMV: I think spaying and neutering are cruel practices that...", 1pts:
Don’t you have other shit to worry about? You sound like a little bitch.
Comment: /TwoXChromosomes, 2018-11-12, "You’re not crazy, periods are terrible", 0pts:
oh god shut the fuck up already
Comment: /IncelTears, 2018-11-05, "My Friend was at the Yoga Class the Incel Opened Fire On....", 1pts:
The fact that the term “incels” have gained this must recognition is hard to believe. I can’t take the post seriously.
Comment: /TwoXChromosomes, 2018-10-20, "We need to change our views on baby girls.", 1pts:
Jesus - do you always get this offended after eavesdropping?
Comment: /IAmA, 2018-10-15, "We are Jake and Amir and we are coming out of Web Series...", 1pts:
amir making that true soy boy face.
Comment: /TwoXChromosomes, 2018-10-15, "My experience as a female engineer in the tech industry", -4pts:
anyone have a tl;dr?
Comment: /TwoXChromosomes, 2018-10-12, "Last night highlighted the difference between flirting and...", 1pts:
The day I let some bitch tell me how to pick her up is the day I forfeit my man card.
Comment: /AskReddit, 2018-05-24, "Ladies, what are some things in a guy's apartment that set...", 0pts:
You know how I know your girlfriend is ugly?
Comment: /TwoXChromosomes, 2018-04-15, "I have to confess I regret having kids", 1pts:
Your partner talked you into having a child? Stopped reading after this.
Comment: /dataisbeautiful, 2018-04-13, "Made this for my bf on our one year anniversary - OC", 1pts:
Kinda cute, kinda creepy. Not sure how I feel.
Comment: /Art, 2018-03-29, "Mirror Selfie, Oil on Panel, 12" x 9"", 1pts:
That’s one patient whore.
Comment: /TwoXChromosomes, 2017-03-21, "Kellyanne Conway says she's helped pay for an abortion. "Do...", 1pts:
On a tangent here, she looks like a severely gaunt Anna Gunn.
Comment: /TwoXChromosomes, 2017-03-11, "- IFF My Mother Is 52 Years Old. When She Was 50 She Joined...", 0pts:
Just stop it. There's no noble reason for posting this and you know it.
Comment: /aww, 2017-03-04, "🐮❤️️", 1pts:
I've been tenderizing my steak wrong this entire time.
Comment: /OldSchoolCool, 2017-02-20, "1972 Ali McGRaw looks a lot like Kendall Jenner.", 1pts:
Dressing like a whore is only "style" when you have net worth of $100m+
Comment: /TwoXChromosomes, 2017-02-12, "This 22-Year-Old Women Is Already An Engineer With NASA", 1pts:
Why is this an article? Did all the other black, female NASA engineers turn this down?
Comment: /personalfinance, 2017-01-09, "I'm dying in a few months. I have a $1,200,000 life...", 1pts:
Whatever you do, DO NOT BUY AN ANNUITY. You will literally pay for he insurance rep's kids college in fees.
Comment: /TwoXChromosomes, 2016-08-24, "I got an abortion today.", -3pts:
it was selfish, you're correct. but I certainly don't believe you'll be forgetting that anytime soon. when you're in the hospital preparing to have a "real" baby within the next 5 years, do you think ...
I'm a multi-function bot. My home is at /CommentRemovalChecker - find out if your comments/submissions have been silently removed without your knowledge!
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2018.03.15 16:58 thekillarmanjuice Off Days: Bread [Fan Script]

Jake and Geoffrey enter the dark studio and turn on the light only to see Amir waiting with a grain of wheat in his hand
Jake: Did you wait here all night?
Amir: takes a bite of his wheat been thinking of starting a bread business.
Geoffrey: That's awesome actually, I've been working with a bunch of high-powered CEO's to get my Breadmill business running completely pro-bono. If you want I can actually set you up as a business partner.
Amir: That would be more than excellent! It would be...be...be nice!
Jake: That's not more than excellent!
Amir: Jake, ever since you entered all you've done is criticise my bread business, if you're jealous about the fact that you don't have any wheat I can give you some!
Amir heaves a bag of dry wheat from the bottom of the table
Jake: That's not why I'm mad! We're a podcast studio, not a bread business! Not a film studio! And we're definitely NOT a Breadmill business, whatever that is! How on earth do you think you can convince a bunch of high powered CEO's to invest in your idea, nobody is stupid enough to invest in you!
Amir: picks up the phone Goofy my friend!
Jake places his hands on his head and tries to rip his own hair out
Jake: You've got to be kidding me
Amir: Goofy I have a proposition for you, you know how we've always wanted to make bread Goofy? Well me and my friend Geoffrey here would love to take some of your family inheritance Goofy! You will never get a s-wheat-er deal, Goofy!
Amir and Geoffrey wink at each other
Amir: OK so I can put you down for all of your family inheritance Goofy, all 17,000,000 pounds sterling dollars Goofy! Well Goofy walk outside Goofy. Do you see several bread making factories Goofy? No? Do you see the biggest bread making piece of land in all of Ohio, Goofy? No Goofy? That's because all the factories broke down Goofy! THERE IS NO MORE MONEY LEFT GOOFY. You'd better walk up to Buckingham Palace and spread out your cheeks because you have been royally fucked Goofy. Goodbye Goofy!
Amir hangs up the phone
Geoffrey: I know an even better way to make bread Geoffrey picks up a massive bag of cocaine this flour thing is a Jack and the Greenstalk type of black magic, it can make bread in less than a day! And it can perfectly pair with your sweet sweet jam juice!
Amir picks up a box with a Black Rabbit inside
Jake: No, no, I am more than done with this project, I'm going back to my old career.
Amir & Geoffrey: As a comedian?
Jake somehow instantly swipes every jacket in the room
Jake: No you asses! As a coat rack!
End
submitted by thekillarmanjuice to jakeandamir [link] [comments]


2018.03.02 11:17 moejoereddit Another Day at the Races [fan script]

INT Office.
Amir has a scroll in his hand and is impatiently waiting for Jake to sit down at his desk to begin the work day.
Jake enters and stays standing.
Jake: ...why?..
Amir: Why not?
J: Because I dislike it. Because I frequently beg you to stop because I-
A: Top 10 ways to take a shit by Amir Johnson….The Hog Dog Paint A Log And Go For A Jog, YEAH!
J: ‘Hog Dog’?
A: Number 10. Let's skip ahead to number poo, now squat over that pot and drop a hot, steamy number 2
J: A pot?
A: Any outing can be a great story, when you realise anything can be a lavatory
J: You are...disgusting
A: This is like dejavu, why must you shit on everything I do, just let me do this, ok, and see if i can't change your view
J: ...God i hate you
A: That's the spirit, now let's continue
J: No, that was unintentional, just stop reading-
A: - Number 9, get up and arch that spine, now sit back, unwind and let that anal brine shoot out like it's the 4th of july
J: Ugh, thats foul, why would you stand up only to sit back and relax?
A: Number 8: facetime a mate and let them wait. They might get impatient but it's worth it to see the look on their faces while you squeeze some brownish yellow paint out of your taint.
J: I haven't even sat down yet and is it necessary to be so graphic? Can you just write a nice clean scroll for once?
A: Oh. That reminds me I forgot to wipe my ass earlier so if anyone mentions a strange smell, just act like you don't know why. Number 7-
J: In the meantime instead of cleaning yourself, you're reading me this awful scroll. And why mention it at all if you want me to act like i don't know?
A: Oh man, I can see you're pissed, just bare with me-
J: No I will not bare with you, you're disgusting and how do you forget to wipe your ass?
A: After the shit I took earlier, I thought of a funny tweet so I wrote it and then forgot to wipe-
J: Write the tweet after you wipe, it’s not hard
A: Look, after I read you this scroll, I’m gonna go back to the bathroom wipe my hands and take care of it after work so-
J: So you didn’t wash your hands either?
A:...Number 7, the weather outside is heaven.
J: It's not
A: Take a stroll to your nearest park and pop a squat while you drop it like its hot. Don't let all the square’s stares scare, be brave and brave the stares
J: So public defecation. That's where you're at, you don't wanna do it privately? Why aren't you more ashamed of yourself?
A: Shame you say, that's a great segue in to my 6th entry on this beautiful work day. Now listen as I tell you about my anal puree
J: Shut the fuck up!!
A: ….I’m sorry, Jake. I realise this scroll is a bit of a headache, so maybe we should take a break
J: Finally
A:...number 6-
J: I thought you were taking a break?
A: Breaks over, Rover. Number six, grab some chopsticks
J: Why?
A: If your worried about a cacophony of farts, spread those butt cheeks wiiiiiide apart to allow for some gentle and soothing sharts
J: What did I do to deserve this?
A: Thank you. Number 5, drop a deuce straight into a live... beehive.
J: Did you do that?
A: After you use that organic can, be sure to run as fast as you can, because those stripey little devils will chase you like an angry dog after a mailman.
J: Why and how did you conceive the idea to shit into a beehive?
A: Wasp hive i said!
J: No you didn't, you said beehive
A: Yeah, “beehive” flows better than “wasp hive”
J: A wasp hive is so much worse
A: Number 4, oh no! My asshole is sore, more sore than I thought my backdoor would allow for.
Furthermore, the bookstore, the drugstore and the peace corps thought it was an eyesore
J: You took a shit at the peace corps?
A: Yeah, you never been?
J: No, I've never been to the peace corps and if I had, I guarantee I would never consider publicly taking a shit there
A: My scrolls have plenty of fun ideas for whole family
J: Don't share any of your ideas with any member of the public and while were on the subject of public safety, how did you get past the restraining order against you?
A: It was easy, I just made the area really greasy and before I knew it, the security guard enforcing the order was in hospital with a broken knee
J: Did he trip and fall on the grease?
A: That didn't do the trick but thankfully I had my trusty ol’ brick
J: Holy shit, you’re actually a danger to society. How many people did you hurt in the process of your idiotic plan?
Amir laughs gently
A: You’re too much! Only a handful. As the old saying goes, “In order to be cool, sometimes you have to be cruel”
J: And how many is a “handful”?
A: No more than a small or large sized preschool
J: What a weird, sordid way to measure the amount of people you hurt. I’m genuinely afraid of you
A: Thank you
J: Never a compliment
A: Number 3. Lure your friend into a false sense of security, and discretely excrete some brown wet concrete while you're taking a seat.
J: Yeah, you’ve done that one before
Amir laughing
A: Oh yeah, that was fun
J: You’re a broken, mean, coward
A: Number 2. You can refer to number 10 but it's worth saying again
J: It's never worth it
A: Ouch ...
J: That upset you, not me trying to euthanize you on a regular basis or berating you for your horrible crimes against humanity?
A: Don't let the words of discouragement throw you, now's the time to stand up, squat down and power through
J: Why are you like this?
A: Number 1. Drum roll for this son of a gun...
J: No
A: Have some fun in the midnight sun and take a whizz on a loved one. Line up every sibling, relative and parent one by one and then let them bask in the glorious shower of the golden one.
J: ...
A: thoughts
J: I've already shared my thoughts repeated-
A: -feedback
J: and you ignore me every-
A: feedback, i said-
J: you said thoughts and then you interrupted me to say feedback-
A: sorry, what did you think and what was your feedback?
J: don't rephrase like i need clarity-
A: i know you liked most of it but if you could try and find a single thing to critique, it would really help me as a poet-
J: don't ask for my feedback, you know I dislike the scrolls-
A: and the contents of the scroll-
J: i have never like the scrolls and i abhor the content-
A: are you always like this-
J: don't turn it around like i haven't repeatedly told you to stop it with the scroll bullshit-
A: oh when?
J: literally every time you do this, i tell you to stop-
A: name 1 time
J: every single time I've told you-
A: so you think there's room for improvement?-
J: NO! you're not listening to me
A: so what you wanna partner up and write one together? I'd be down.
J: just SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
Amir falls silent
J: The words that you wrote….
A:....
J: ...were poorly written and i hated listening to every syllable you wrote. There is nothing that i like about you or your scrolls….
A:....
J: ...go home and wash yourself from head to toe- with soap- and before you go, burn every scroll in the office and throw away the clothes you shit in and then turn yourself into the police for public defecation at the very least. Society is better off without you…
Amir let’s out a long breath
J: Did you listen to anything I just said?...
Amir looks relieved
J: What’s that smell? Did you just shit in your pants, again?
*Amir giggles. * A: I did a number 3 and a number 2. What were you saying?
END
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2017.10.23 11:40 TalonsAlight Replacing the Free Agents - Arrieta, Lackey (Part 2 - Internal Options, Trades w/ Non-Contenders)

During the... less hopeful moments of the postseason, various voices of the GDTs were theorizing about what moves to make to prepare for the next championship. Good idea. Let's examine the ways the roster may change this offseason.
If you have any trade suggestions with non-contenders to add here, I'd love to hear them.
Replacing the FAs: Jake Arrieta, John Lackey
Looking for: Well, two good starting pitchers. Say 5 WAR per season between the two, preferably for a while.
Current internal options:
Eddie Butler (R), Mike Montgomery (L), Adbert Alzolay (R), Jen-Ho Tseng (R), Alec Mills (L), Luke Farrell (R), Duane Underwood (R)
MLB-Ready starting pitchers:
Pitchers are at roughly Alec-Mills (#6/#5 ceiling) level or better (some are better used in the pen)
  • You know what to expect from Montgomery by now, but in case you don't: decent fastball and curve, passable change. Command is a bit below average.
  • Butler has a good fastball and change, but his breaking pitches haven't yet developed. They may never. Average command. Above average deception, but hitters often see past it after facing him more than once in a game.
  • Alzolay's got what it takes to be a #3/4, if his secondaries develop. Fastball sits at 94 with life and touches 97. Good command. Possible June/July call up.
  • People make Hendricks comparisons to Tseng, as they will whenever a soft-tossing, right-handed, off-speed specialist is turning heads in the Cubs' system. This is a best case scenario. I would be fine if he was good for 25 starts of 4.40 ERA ball.
  • Mills is very similar to Butler in that is stuff and command are passable, but neither is usually good enough to weather multiple trips through a lineup.
  • Farrell and Underwood are more likely relievers. Farrell profiles like a right-handed Zastryzny, with a deep, fringy, four pitch arsenal, with fringy command, but doesn't have his deception. Underwood hasn't developed as expected, as injury issues have perhaps kept his stuff from playing up, and it's looking less likely he'll command his pitches. In the pen, he could air it out his plus fastball and average breaking stuff, and they may play up. But, he was healthy for all of 2017, and held his own as a starter, so who knows.
Trade Discussions: (for the record, I'm lukewarm on quite a few of these trades)
CHW
Possible areas of need or improvement: C, 1B?, OF
You can almost envision their 2020 starting lineup from here, but not quite. C/1B/DH Zack Collins isn't likely to be ready to start at those positions during that time. I'm one to geek out over this sort of thing, and I honestly don't know who the fuck their 2017 catchers were. I'll assume Carrotini is better. He's in a perfect position to see if he can outplay projections. If not, he can be a great three position backup for Collins.
Their top OF prospects but won't be ready opening day 2019. In 2017, CHW used a mishmash of fringy prospects to varying degrees of success in the OF along with Avi Garcia. Not sure any will be around for contention. If they want a slightly higher level prospect to try out for 2018, I'll suggest Mark Zagunis.
Also, they have a ton of pitching prospects to audition, so they may want to carry an additional pitcher at add a RH super utility-type to compliment Nicky Delmonico, say Chesny Young.
Trade Suggestions:
  • Caratini or Zagunis for Fulmer
  • Chesny Young for Danish
SDP
Possible areas of need or improvement: SP, 3B, LF
Cubs and SDP don't really match up well. Their left side doesn't look so hot come 2019, I'd send them Zagunis, but I don't want any of their starting pitchers, except Strahm and possibly Wood. Zagunis is too much for Wood and not enough for Strahm in my view. Plus the latter is going for an extended audition with them. I see AAAA 3B as better than the Cubs', unless their high on Jason Vosler.
SDP giving up Wood is unlikely with KCR paying more or less his entire salary, and he can be flipped (if he does well) or held (if he tank commands). The Cubs are unlikely to ask for Wood again after he more or less threw batting practice in 2017, but I know some of you would like to see him in Cubbie blue again, so here we are. SDP got him presumably with the intent on flipping him if he can improve his line. If not, he's a tank commander and helps SDP's draft chances. No matter the case, I'd rather not move more than low-level prospects for him.
Trade Suggestions:
  • Two of (Daury Torres, Jason Vosler, Manuel Rondon) for Wood
  • Charcer Burks for Wood
SFG
Possible areas of need or improvement: LF, RF, CF, SP
I expect SFG to try to contend in 2018, but out of those teams who have starting pitchers to shuffle, SFG is the least likely to contend.
They had a fun AAAA carosuel in LF and a past-prime Hunter Pence in RF. Also, Denard Span's defense is deteriorating in CF. It stands to get internally a little better for them with many interesting OF prospects in their system, but it would be surprising if their OF AAA stock were 'first division' or 'contender' better.
There's a great deal of ambiguity with their rotation: Matty Moore has an option, which SFG has a good chance of picking up: he was quite good in the second half of 2017. Ty Blach's pitched past expectations to a respectable 2017, and fellow young Ty Tyler Beede banging down the door of the majors. Good chance they wouldn't mind not having to deal with the rest of Shark's ~$60M contract. Or at least the vast majority of it.
Cueto is the wild card here. He's a catch 22: if he's worth trading for, he'll become a FA. Only way he's available for a trade is if he accepts his option, having stuff not worth pursuing and becoming a project. If this is the case, and he's fixable, he's a great potential bargain bin selection. So I won't suggest trades for him.
Suggested trades:
  • Zagunis for Moore
  • Zagunis for Shark + $5M/season
  • Almora for Shark + $11.8M/season
PHI
Possible areas of need or improvement: SP, 3B?, 2B?
Even though they only won 66 in 2017, they're closer to contention than their record indicates: they have an interesting core of position-playing prospects hitting or soon to be hitting the MLB. Even their questionable areas have viable options. Makiel Franco hasn't been good for a while, but he was in 2015 and is still quite young. Their 2018 options at 2B aren't likely to be black holes of production (Cesar Hernandez, Scott Kingery and Freddy Galvis assuming defense wunderkind J.P. Crawford gets SS).
In other words, I don't see them bringing a position player in unless he's their guy. Think this Cubs' FO wanting Zobrist in spite of still having the perfectly sufficient Starlin Castro at 2B. It's reasonable some teams may feel this way about Baez or Happ. Baez fits better since he could do some 3B in the event Franco slumps.
This being said, it's really hard to worst-to-first, especially with their rotation. And with a broad bevy of back-enders in AAA and the big club, this won't change without nearly unprecedented improvement. Both teams' wealth of young position-playing talent and large pool of #6/5 guys makes them unlikely trading partners, but I'll try: if PHI wants to sell high on Jerad Eichoff, now might be the time: he's been getting more hittable year over year. Alzolay's development perfectly coincides with the opening of PHI's window of contention. The downside for PHI is that Eick is their only reasonably reliable SP not named Nola, and his team-friendly contract goes will into said window. PHI may be willing to give up some of their back-end pitchers for some of the Cubs' interesting, distant prospects in the lower minors.
Trade suggestions:
  • Jose Paulino or Michael Rucker for Lively or Eshelman
  • (Baez or Happ, whoever you like less) + Alzolay + Paulino = Nola + Lively
  • Alzolay for Eickhoff
CIN
Possible areas of need or improvement: SP, OF?, SS?
There are so many questions surrounding CIN, mostly involving their timeline of contention. Also, they're division rival, so I'm going to pass on heavy theorizing and big trades.
But I'll do some theorizing and trade suggestions. Will Cozart accept a QO? CIN could stand to get a little more consistent production of Jose Peraza at 2B, as well as Billy Hamilton in CF. The latter, I have a strong hunch, will be traded this offseason. Ditto LF Adam Duvall. Which is a great opportunity to give them Zagunis if CIN likes him better than the players they've got, namely Phil Ervin or Patrick Kivelhan. Zagunis should be able to get you somebody who can become a back-end innings-eater, right?
Which of their young, struggling-in-the-MLB, post-hype Howitzers do you want? I imagine they'll cost you Alzolay or de la Cruz. This isn't my preferred move, in case anyone cares: too big of a trade with a division rival. As of now, I doubt I'd make it, for the record.
Trade suggestions:
  • Zagunis for Davis
  • Alzolay or de la Cruz for Stephenson, Garrett, Reed or Finnegan
DET
Possible areas of need or improvement: SP, OF, high-ceiling prospects
The tear-down is on. And there's no timeline of competitiveness; good chance literally nobody currently on their 40-Man is there next time they contend.
Mikie Mahtook, JaCoby Jones, Alex Presley, Jim Adduci have gotten auditions for them in the OF in 2017. Hard to envision any being there several years when they contend. DET may be interested in some of the Cubs' high-minors OFers. Mark Zagunis, Charcer Burks, Trey Martin, Eddy Martinez et al may fit this bill for them.
Their SPs, in spite of their historically bad season, are still a good source of trade value. There's the risky Daniel Norris whose injury history and subpar 2017 should bring his trade value down, but his previous history of effectiveness, pre-arbitration status and already high team payroll will probably keep DET's demands unreasonably high. Pretty sure I know how to get him for a very low price. Perhaps could use scare quotes around 'very low price.' Stay tuned.
Michael Fulmer Is one of them 'young, cost-controlled starters' that, since the Cubs got Quintana is a no longer one of chicubs' clichéd phrases. He'll command a haul at least on par with Q, though Fulmer is a superior option - he's younger, has better stuff, is cheaper and has more time under team control. I know how to get his price down:
Justin Zimmerman has signed what is on pace to become the worst contract ever given to a pitcher, and his salary just gets higher starting in 2018. I'm sure DET wants him off the books and off their roster. He and his contract make for an interesting trade chip, especially if Bosio and the crew and fix him. Fwiw, his slider is still reasonably effective.
If DET's goal is to unload payroll over prospect hoarding, he and his salary can be leveraged with Norris or Fulmer to make interesting things happen. I'd go into the logistics of a trade involving Fulmer, but they're so unlikely not even I care enough to read them. I'll let you dream, though.
Trade suggestions:
  • Zagunis for Zimmerman + $17M/season
  • Alzolay + de la Cruz + Zagunis = Norris
  • Robert Caro for Norris and Zimmerman
  • ????? for Fulmer
  • ???? for Fulmer and Zimmerman
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2017.03.03 06:59 cascadeid The National Guard Invaded Cascade, Idaho [Part 1]

I'm going to apologize in advance. This will be lengthy. Even though it happened over a short span of time, the sheer detail of what happened will make this quite long.
The National Guard came to Cascade, Idaho, but... we're certain they weren't really the National Guard.
A couple of weeks ago, everyone got a letter on their door from the City. It told us that our town had been selected to be analyzed by the National Guard for our emergency preparedness. Here, actually, I found a copy of it in the house we're hiding out in.
"Dear Residents of Cascade,
"Cascade has been selected to take part in a study and survey performed by the National Guard to assess our emergency preparedness. We have been lucky enough to have been chosen as a participant. These studies provide the city with an in-depth view of potential threats to our community in the event of a disaster.
After the assessment has taken place, the National Guard provides us with detailed steps on how to prepare for a real emergency. This assessment will provide invaluable expertise for the Cascade Emergency Response Team. We appreciate cooperation and assistance.
If you would like to volunteer to assist us in this community effort, please send an email to our Emergency Response Team or call City Hall.
Thank you for your cooperation and membership in this wonderful community.
Sincerely,
Mayor Hamilton
Sergeant Michael Cross, National Guard"
It was taped to every door in the city. Everyone just ignored it. It didn't feel like it would concern them. Some people in the city were talking about emergency preparedness: big deal.
That's when the soldiers started knocking on doors.
They knocked on my parent's door a couple of days after the letter came. I happened to be in the living room playing on my phone when they showed up.
"Hello, is this the Hathaway residence?"
"Yes...?" My mom answered.
"I'm Private Shaw and this is Private Jerrison. We're soldiers in the National Guard coming around and gathering information about your emergency preparedness. Would it be okay if we came in?"
"Uh, I mean, okay," my mom stuttered as they stepped forward without getting an answer. They both immediately looked around the house, eyeing everything. I noticed that they didn't have any clipboards, papers, binders, anything.
"You're Mrs. Jane Hathaway, correct?" Shaw started.
"Yeah."
"And your husband Gary Hathaway lives here?"
"Uh-huh."
"And how many children do you have?"
"Two. Mark," she gestured to me on the couch, I gave an unenthusiastic wave. "And my daughter Molly."
"And where's she at?" Shaw asked abruptly.
"Not home right now," mom answered in a tone I recognized. She was beginning to get annoyed.
"Mrs. Hathaway, do you have any food or water stored away in case of an emergency?" Shaw asked. I noticed that Jerrison took a step into the living room, looking around casually. Mom followed him with her eyes.
"No, I mean, a little. Just what we have in our pantry."
"May we see?"
"No, I'm afraid not."
"Don't worry, Mrs. Hathaway. We're not here to intrude. We're just trying to get an accurate measurement for our study. Did you receive the letter we sent around a few days ago?"
"Yes I did," she said coldly.
"Good. Do you have any weapons or ammunition?"
"I... don't think I have to answer that," mom answered, her voice sharp.
"This is strictly voluntary," Shaw reassured her. "So no major emergency supply in case anything goes wrong?"
"No, I guess not," mom said.
"That's all we really need to know, Mrs. Hathaway. Appreciate your time. Have a good afternoon."
With that, they walked out the door and down the sidewalk. I had put my phone down and begun watching them. Mom shut the door and locked the deadbolt.
"What was that?" I asked, confused.
"I'm not sure," Mom said, trembling. "I'm calling your dad."
 
Apparently the city's offices were flooded with angry phone calls about the soldiers, because literally the next day, there was a new letter posted on everyone's doors. It apologized for the abruptness of the soldiers and assured us that they would be disciplined for treating us poorly.
I can't find a copy of that letter to paste it here..
My dad was pretty pissed off by my mom's account of our encounter, and he went so far as to drive to city hall and complain in person. He came back and told us the exact same story as the letter. They would be disciplined, and the study would continue without further interaction with citizens.
 
School the next day had a few students talking about the soldiers. In a couple of cases, kids boasted that their dad's had thrown the soldiers out forcefully. One kid was touting about how their dad was ex-military and knew they were shitty soldiers right off the bat.
I ignored those conversations and just went to classes. I'm in high school, a sophomore. My sister Molly is a senior. She had a really hard time with school, while I haven't had a struggle so far. I just don't like the ecosystem around high school.
Because I don't stick with any social circle, it took me a while to find out what happened.
I only found out when I was trying to get past a huge circle of students who were all whispering among each other.
"Jake's dad was arrested by the soldiers last night," one kid whispered.
"Last night, I heard a huge commotion, so I looked out my bedroom window and saw my neighbors being pulled out of their house and loaded into a truck," another kid said.
Stories like that spun around the circle.
I found myself doubting their authenticity because if it were true, the adults would have fought back and raised hell. The cops would have stepped in.
That's when I realized that I didn't recognize the security guard. We have a guard who wanders the halls and makes sure no kids are killing each other. He's been the same guy since before Molly even started here. But that day, the first day I could remember, it was a different guy. And his uniform was different. It was made up of greenish-grays rather than blue and black, like a police officer.
That's the day I really started to pay attention.
In classes, the teachers taught as if nothing was wrong. But the kids were clearly agitated.
At the end of my math class, the teacher asked if anyone had any questions before class was let out.
One kid, Bryan, raised his hand.
"Do you know where the soldiers are taking people? My mom and dad were taken away last night."
The whole room went dead silent.
"Why don't you come with me down to the principal's office after class and we'll see what we can find out, okay?" My teacher said, clearly shaken. I don't think the teachers had been listening to their own students' stories.
"They're arresting troublemakers," one kid piped up. I spun around, and saw that it was Amir.
"Amir, don't make things up just because you don't know," the teacher snapped. "Don't go scaring people just because you don't understand what's going on."
"It's what my father told me when they arrested him last night," Amir said, matter-of-factly.
The whole class exploded into whispers.
The bell rang, but our teacher held up her hands.
"Wait a second, everyone!"
Everyone paused.
"Do not start fear-mongering over this. I don't want you walking into the hall and telling students that people are being arrested, understand? It's probably just a misunderstanding. The soldiers are here to assess our ability to respond to an emergency, okay? Nothing more."
The class grudgingly walked to the door quietly. I stood up and put my things into my backpack. The teacher paired up with Bryan and walked him out the door.
Amir sat by the window, staring outside. Feeling nervous for some reason, I approached him.
"You're Amir, right?" I said, having never talked to him before.
"Yes."
"I'm Mark," I said, offering my hand. We shook hands. Like two adults.
"Is it true? What you said about your dad?" I asked.
He nodded.
"What happened?"
"They came in the middle of the night. Smashed our door down. I got out of bed and walked into the hallway just as they hit my dad across the head and took his gun. They handcuffed him and dragged him backwards out of the house, kicking and screaming."
"Oh my god," I whispered.
"He said: 'They're arresting the troublemakers, Amir! Remember what I told you!'"
There was a pause. Amir still stared out the window.
"What did he tell you? What did he want you to remember?"
"My father immigrated from Iran before I was born. He's seen war and terrorists and things. He told me about them. He's talking about those stories. He always told me that he left that place to get away from war, but if war followed him here, that we should be ready."
I closed my eyes. War? There's no way this was a war. This is America, for crying out loud. Wars don't happen here.
"What about your mother?" I asked.
"She died a long time ago," he said bluntly.
"I'm sorry," I said.
"Look," he responded, pointing out the window.
I looked, and saw several military humvees, trucks, and buses pulling up in front of the school.
"What are they doing?" I asked.
The warning bell for the next class rang. We had one more class until the end of the day.
"I don't know," Amir said.
We both grabbed our things and started to leave the classroom.
"Are you alone at your house?" I asked on a whim.
"With my father gone, yes."
"You should come stay with me," I offered. I felt bad for him. He genuinely smiled for half a second.
"Okay," he agreed.
We decided to meet at the front doors of the school after our last class so he could ride the bus home with me.
 
The students were all agitated during the last class. Word had spread about the military vehicles around the school, and people were starting to feel scared. Even our teacher glanced out the window every few minutes.
When the final bell rang, I grabbed my backpack and headed to the front doors.
In the hallway, soldiers were standing in a line. They were pushing students along, guiding them down the main hallway and towards the front doors. They acted like a funnel.
One girl yelled that she needed to go to her locker before she went home, but was shoved roughly back into the flow of students and teachers. I felt my heart drop into my stomach. The sight of the soldiers actively controlling us made it real.
Desperately, I looked around for Amir. I couldn't see him anywhere in the sea of people. From behind, I was edged forward, towards the doors. Everyone was flowing steadily forward, like a river.
A hand came down on my shoulder, and I spun around to find Amir.
"Good," I sighed, relieved.
"It's getting worse," he uttered so the soldiers couldn't hear us. "We need to get to my house."
"Your house?" I asked.
"Just trust me," he said.
I nodded.
The soldiers ushered us through the front doors and towards the bus pickup. Soldiers stood spread out, holding signs above their heads with bus numbers. Teachers were being filtered out of the mix of students and escorted to their cars by soldiers.
There were a few students yelling at the soldiers, saying that their cars were over in the parking lot. They were told firmly to get onto the bus that took them the closest to their house and that they could pick up their cars tomorrow.
"073," Amir said, prodding me towards the sign. We both stopped with the rest of the students waiting for bus 073.
One by one, the military-colored buses we'd seen earlier pulled through the bus pickup lane. Each one had large numbers stenciled into the side of it. When "073" pulled up, our soldier got us all moving. As we lined up for the bus, a friendly woman soldier came by with a basket of candy.
"Take a piece," she smiled, holding it out to each kid.
When she came to us, we both hesitated. I saw her face shift when we began to refuse. Amir took the lead and grabbed a package that contained two short licorice ropes. I followed suit and took a licorice too.
The woman soldier nodded and moved to the kids behind us. Other kids were beginning to open theirs and eat. Amir whispered for me to wait.
We filed onto the bus, and Amir and I ended up seated in the middle. The candy sat untouched in our pockets.
The bus started up and began moving. We were leaving the school at least ten minutes later than usual. Once we left the school parking lot, a soldier stood up in front. The bus went quiet when he asked for our attention. I struggled to hear him over the engine.
"My name is Specialist Banks. I'll be in charge of your bus route for a little while. Did anyone not get some candy from the lady in line?"
No one raised their hand.
"Good! I'll need you all to hand over your candy wrappers and I'll throw them away for you, okay?"
With that, he grabbed a bucket and walked up the aisle. One by one, students set their candy wrappers into the guy's bucket. I'm surprised even the seniors were compliant. Something about Bank's attitude told us to obey or else.
I started to pull the candy out of my pocket so I could eat it and give the wrapper to Banks, but Amir stopped me.
"Put it back," he hissed.
"What?"
"Put it back and say we didn't get any. When he gets us more, we'll give him those wrappers."
"Why?" I asked.
"Clearly they want us to eat the candy. Something must be wrong with it," he whispered. Something caught in my throat. I put the candy back in my pocket.
When Banks appeared at our row, we looked up at him. He had black stubble that was starting to get long. His uniform was torn at the shoulder and hastily stitched together. He looked exhausted, because the skin around his eyes was red, as if he'd been rubbing it a lot.
"Wrappers, please," he grunted.
"We didn't get any," Amir answered.
"Then why the hell didn't you raise your hand?" Banks answered, annoyed. Amir didn't answer.
Banks sighed and dug into his pocket. He produced two Hershey's kisses.
"Here you go," he said.
We each took one, unwrapped it, and set the wrappers in the bin. Banks didn't move on.
"Well, go on and eat it," he insisted.
Amir popped the chocolate into his mouth casually. I raised it to my lips and had to push it past my teeth. Was it poisoned? Laced with sleeping pills? What was wrong with it?
I almost threw up, but managed to swallow it before I'd finished chewing all the way.
"Open your mouths and show me," Banks said.
We obeyed. He nodded, satisfied. Then, he moved on.
My eyes started to tear up, but Amir grabbed my arm.
"Not yet. Don't show that you're scared," he said. I sucked in a deep breath and tried to look calm.
Only after Banks was satisfied did the bus make its first stop. Kids got off, and the bus hurriedly took off again.
At the third stop, Amir stood up. I followed suit, and we walked down the aisle with five other students. When we stepped off the bus, I started to look back. Amir pinched me, and I kept walking forward.
The bus lurched away, and Amir gestured for me to follow him. When Amir and I started jogging, the others suddenly followed. Amir looked like he knew what he was doing.
We rounded a corner, and Amir glanced around at the houses.
"I need you all to throw up," he commanded. It was like an instantaneous transformation. He became a leader in seconds.
"What?" A girl asked.
"Throw up. We don't know what was in the candy. They wanted us to eat it, they forced us to eat it. So, we have to throw it up."
"I can only do it when I'm sick," a younger kid admitted.
"Put your finger in your mouth and poke the uvula," Amir said.
"Uvula?"
"The dangling thing in the back. Think of something disgusting, okay?"
We all hesitantly put our fingers in our mouths and one by one threw up in the grass. I was a little too aggressive and couldn't face the grass fast enough. The puke hit the sidewalk and splattered a few kid's shoes.
Everyone moaned, and the puke prompted more throwing up.
When we had all purged, Amir nodded.
"Let's go," he said.
"I have to get home, my mom will be wondering where I am," the young kid said again.
"This will just take a second," Amir prodded.
We all followed him into someone's yard, into the space between the garage and their fence.
"Are they going to be mad that we're here?" A girl asked.
"No, this house is empty," Amir assured her.
We all stood in silence for a few minutes, inspecting each other. There were seven of us. Amir asked everyone to introduce themselves.
The youngest one who looked like he belonged in middle school was Mason. Our school combined the high school and middle school, so this was entirely possible. The girl, a Junior, was Olivia. There were two seniors named Kegan and Hayden, both looking very much in shape. Despite the usual attitude about jocks, they both looked pretty spooked. The last kid was a Junior named Lucy, who hadn't said a word yet.
"I don't know what these soldiers are doing," Amir started off. "But we need to team up. They're up to something. They're arresting adults who are troublemakers for some reason, and I think the emergency analysis was just a facade."
"Facade?" Mason asked.
"A fake reason for them to come into our town and take control," Amir explained.
"But... why? Why would the army come in and take a town?" Kegan asked.
"It's not the army, it's the National Guard," Hayden corrected him with a shove. Amir got ahead of the argument.
"We don't know what's relevant information," he insisted. "But he's right, it's the National Guard. That could be important."
"Why aren't we going home?" Mason whimpered.
"I don't know who we can trust," Amir explained. "The seven of us can all be ruled out."
"Why can we be ruled out?" Olivia asked.
"Because we all ate the candy," he said. "I watched you all do it."
"What are you, some kind of creep?" Kegan barked.
"I'm trying to get an idea of what's going on!" Amir shouted. I opened my eyes wide. I had no idea Amir could be so forceful. He was quiet in classes, always in the background.
"We are the only ones we can trust," Amir said. "Understand?"
Everyone nodded.
"Don't tell anyone that we met, not even your parents."
Everyone nodded again.
"Go home. Tomorrow, before school, I'll try to have more for you. When you get home, try to watch the news. See if any TV station is talking about this. Check the web, look for news articles or posts about this. We could be at war and just not know it. Tomorrow morning, come tell us everything you find."
We all agreed, and split up. I stuck with Amir.
Walking in silence, we approached his house. It was run down, with spare paint cans on the front porch and a mud and snow covered yard. It was a single-story house with a covered driveway. The windows were dirty on the outside, and one car sat in the covered driveway. His dad's, probably.
As we crossed through the snow-covered yard, I saw massive truck tire tracks that must've been from the military.
Amir produced a set of keys and unlocked his front door. We stepped inside, and he locked the door. The inside was not very different from the outside. Papers cluttered every counter space, and the carpet puffed up dust when you stepped on it. I had already decided not to comment, but Amir spoke for me.
"It's a horrible mess. My father was working on the basement and claimed he'd clean the upstairs after the basement was done. It never got very clean. He works twelve hours a day and is exhausted every day. I can't clean without making too much noise for him. He sleeps on the couch."
I coughed as the dust from our footsteps filled the air. Amir led me into the kitchen, and opened the fridge. At least that was clean. He handed me a water bottle, and I took it gratefully.
"Ready to do some recon?" He asked with a smirk. I nodded.
We sat down in front of his ancient television and turned it on. I pushed aside the blankets that Amir's father clearly used for a bed.
The TV came on, and the news was there. They were reporting on the status of countries overseas. It was a national news station, however, so that wasn't a surprise.
Amir switched to a local channel. Our city doesn't have its own news station, but the county has a couple that report on local news.
The newscaster was talking about a hit and run a couple of towns away. Nothing about us.
With the TV on in the background, I turned my phone on to search online.
"Have any WiFi?" I asked.
He gave me the password.
I logged in and opened the websites for every local news station. No mention of Cascade.
"Nothing on any news websites," I commented.
Amir had mimicked me and pulled out his own, older smartphone.
We went through every news source we could think of. Nothing.
"Now what?" I asked.
"If no one has reported this, then we have to be the ones to report it," Amir said.
Together, we compiled an email telling what had happened so far and saying what was relevant. When we were both satisfied, I sent it on my phone to every news station. We both stared at the screen for a few minutes. For some reason, we expected an immediate reply. There was none.
"Keep your notifications on," Amir recommended. "We have more planning to do."
We went down the hall to his bedroom. I gawked when I saw an actual whiteboard mounted on his wall. It was shiny, clean, and white.
"My father's Christmas present to me last year," Amir explained. "It helps a lot with brainstorming."
"What..." Was all I could say.
Amir grabbed a marker, pushed some junk on the floor away from the wall, and stood next to the whiteboard.
"What do we know?" He asked.
 
We listed out everything that had happened to us so far, drawing connections and conclusions as best we could.
Eventually, Amir said, "Why would you fake something like this? If it were you, why would you tell everyone that you were doing an emergency analysis, only to take control of a city?"
"I mean, isn't that what they want? Control of the city?"
"Okay, but why? They'll be found out soon and get in huge trouble. This kind of thing isn't allowed in the United States."
"How do you know that?" I asked. It made sense to me, but I'd never thought about it not being "allowed."
"My father... he's... He's made me learn a lot. Because of when he lived in Iran."
"What do you mean?"
Amir sighed and put down the marker.
"Things are pretty bad in the Middle East," he started.
"I know that," I interrupted.
"No, worse than anyone who hasn't been there can understand. At least, that's what my father says. In Iran, just because soldiers are there doesn't mean there's peace. My father had to fight to survive over there. He had to learn a lot. He's... well he's convinced that eventually that war will follow us back to the United States. He wants me to be ready in case that ever happens."
"You're serious?" I snorted.
He glared at me, and I stopped mocking.
"Sorry," I said.
"It's a common reaction," Amir waved it away. "Point is, my house is safer."
"Safer than what?"
"We have food and water here. Supplies. Information."
"What? Here?" I asked.
He gestured for me to follow, and I did. We left his room and came to a door in the middle of the hallway. He pulled a key from his keyring and stuck it into the door. I could hear the click of several locks coming undone.
"The house is a mess because my dad works on this all the time he isn't working," he said. As the door swung open, I stepped around it. He knocked on it, for effect. The knock made a metallic echo.
I was both impressed and confused.
The door revealed a dark stairwell and descended into blackness. Amir hit a switch, and the basement lit up. He stepped down, and I followed behind. The basement was cold, and I shivered a little the lower we went.
The basement had the feeling of mixed technology. The walls and floor were rough concrete, but the tables were stainless steel. They were dented and dirty, but stuck out from the "hole-in-the-ground" feeling the rest of the basement gave off.
The basement was still dusty, but papers were stacked rather than scattered, and there were two computers on one table. The monitors were old and off-white. Neither one was booted up.
One wall was covered by a massive bookcase, covered in books of multiple sizes. A small table in front of it had even more books stacked up. There were blue barrels in one corner with a coil of plastic pipes laid on top. Stacks of pallets held food in metallic packaging. I’d heard of MRE’s, but never had one.
I turned to look around, and saw a decent sized metal grid along the wall under the wood stairs. Strapped to the grid were four rifles and several handguns.
"What the hell," I stuttered, feeling sudden concern.
"I know," Amir said, staring at the wall of pistols, rifles, and ammunition. "He swore to me he'd never be caught off guard again."
“What is your dad, some kind of terrorist?” I half-joked. Amir got angry.
“Don’t even joke like that!” He yelled.
"This is too weird," I said, backing up. I rushed up the stairs.
"Mark," Amir said, following me up. "Mark!" He yelled when I kept going. "It's not-- you don't have to be--"
He stopped when he realized that even he couldn't explain it. The feeling is difficult to form into words.
I stopped in front of the door, my hand over the handle.
"I'll see you at school tomorrow," I said.
"Just hold on a second," he said, walking into his bedroom. He came back out with a pair of walkie talkies. He held one out to me.
"Why would I need this? I have a cell phone." I enunciated. He was weirding me out.
"Just in case," he said in a serious tone.
I sighed and took it.
With the door open, I looked back.
"Do you think that's why they arrested him? Because he has all those guns?"
The pain that shot through Amir's face made me regret what I said. Before I could apologize, I dashed out the door.
 
The walk home was long, cold, and terrifying. My bus stop is usually close to home, so I don't bother with a jacket. But, since Amir lived a mile from me, and it's still wintertime, I was cold.
The walk took me past main street, which was hauntingly empty. The streets were almost empty except for one or two cars. The traffic lights changed without seeing any cars move through their intersection.
A ways down the straight road, I could see police lights. They stood still, but it made me start into a light jog. This was too eerie. Everyone was home. No one was out.
My phone buzzed, and I stopped. An email reply from the news station?
The screen told me it was a text. I opened it. It was a short, mass message.
"Stay indoors. Mandatory curfew at 19:00. Leave work and go home."
I checked the clock. It was almost five thirty.
 
When I got home, mom ran into the room, yelling at me.
"WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN, MARK?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON HERE?!"
"Jesus, Jane, you'll scare him! Stop!" Dad shouted, grabbing her shoulder.
"I've been calling!" She tried to yell again, but cut herself off with a sob. My dad pulled her into a hug.
"My phone's been on," I insisted. "You didn't call."
She didn't even reply.
"What's going on?" I asked my dad.
"I'm not entirely sure," he replied, without expounding. "Where were you?"
Despite Amir's warning not to talk about meeting him, I told the truth.
"At a friend's house. His dad was arrested last night, he's alone. I was... talking to him."
"You should have called," Dad said calmly. Mom left his hug and sat on the couch. The TV was playing the news. No mention of us yet.
"My phone was on," I insisted, but he didn't register that.
He instead followed my gaze to the TV.
"No news agencies are reporting about this," he sighed to everyone. Molly was seated on the couch, playing on her phone.
"My friend and I sent an email to lots of news stations," I offered.
"When?" He asked, furrowing his eyebrows.
"Right after school, at his house."
"And still no reports..." he trailed off. "Good thinking, son."
"We brainstormed a little," I continued. "We can't think of why the National Guard would take over a town. Or escort kids out of school."
"Yes, Molly told us about that. Why didn't you get on the bus? She was worried sick when you didn't get on," Mom growled. I looked at Molly, who stared at her phone. She didn't seem "worried sick".
"I got on my friend's bus," I explained again.
Then it occurred to me.
"Molly," I said, staring at her. She looked up. "Did you eat the candy they gave you?"
Her expression became confused.
"What candy?" Mom asked. Dad looked equally puzzled.
"Molly," I prompted.
"Yeah, I ate it. They gave it out while we were in line."
The pit of my stomach opened up and everything dropped.
"Go throw up," I insisted.
Everyone started shouting at once.
"JUST GO!" I shouted. Molly, scared stiff, stood up and went into the bathroom. I followed and watched her stick her fingers down her throat and puke up the contents of her stomach. Despite being unable to tell if she'd done enough, I said it was fine. She flushed the toilet.
I was immediately assaulted by questions. It took a minute to quiet my family down.
I explained how much they pressed the candy on us, and how it must be important, so Amir had made the kids throw it up. Just to be safe, I had told Molly to too.
"You don't know if it's actually bad then?" Mom asked.
"Well, no, not directly."
"Don't scare us like that," Mom said sharply, sucking in a deep breath.
Mom and Molly went back to the couch. Dad put his hand on my shoulder.
"You said your friend told you all to throw up the candy?"
"Yeah."
He hesitated. "It's smart. Logical. We may not know what it did, but it was a good precaution. Tell him I said thanks when you see him."
"I will."
I started to walk away.
"And, Mark," he said as we came back into the room. I paused. "Don't listen to your mother. She's worried, that's all."
"I know," I said. He gave me a hug, and I helped him make dinner.
 
At seven pm, there was a knock at the door.
My mother insisted that we not answer, but the second and third knocks convinced her. My dad was the one to open the door.
"Good evening," the two soldiers said. I couldn't remember if they were the same two as before, but I think they were, so I'm naming them the same.
"Is there something I can do for you?" My dad asked coldly.
"How many people are in your home right now?" Shaw asked bluntly.
"What?" My dad blurted.
"How many?"
"Four."
"Mind if we confirm?"
"Yes, I mind. You're not welcome to barge into my house after a 'mandatory curfew.'" Dad said.
I watched through the gap as the two soldiers rolled their eyes before Shaw stepped forward and shoved my dad backward. He flew back several feet, his toes completely leaving the ground.
"Dad!"
He collapsed onto his back, crying out in pain. The two soldiers stormed into the living room, looking around. Their eyes registered our presence, then moved on. We all stood, but didn't move. Dad stayed on the floor, groaning and clutching his chest.
The two soldiers split up. Jerrison went upstairs, and Shaw combed through our main floor. He opened every closet, checked under every blanket, and behind every couch. We could hear the other one upstairs rustling around too.
"We've had someone with a gun get out of custody," Shaw explained while he searched. "This is for your safety."
"Bullshit," I uttered under my breath. Luckily, he didn't hear me. Or didn't acknowledge me.
I watched him carefully, eyeing the pistol strapped to his belt. He opened the kitchen pantry, every cupboard, and did the same in the bathroom. He put his eyes and hands everywhere.
Jerrison came down from upstairs and went immediately to the basement without even checking in with his partner. I noticed this with curiosity. Every time they'd shown up, I'd never seen them talk directly to one another, yet they worked in unison.
Shaw checked the same places twice while the downstairs was searched. He was watching us.
Dad got to his feet and stood by us, keeping himself between Shaw and his family.
When Jerrison returned, they both convened at the front door. They swept their gaze over us. Their eyes were red, as if they weren't sleeping.
"Thank you for your cooperation. We'll catch this criminal and keep you all safe. Good night," they said. Then, Shaw let Jerrison through and shut the door.
We all dropped onto our seats, shaking all over.
"What the hell was that?" Mom cursed. Molly started crying to herself.
I just stared at the door, unable to forget what they'd said. No, not what they'd said. How they'd said it.
Both had been speaking at the exact same time, using the exact same words. Perfectly in sync.
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
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2017.01.28 22:50 thekillarmanjuice Off Days Episode X [FANMADE]

Jake and Geoffrey enter the dark studio and turn on the light only to see Amir waiting with a grain of wheat in his hand
Jake: Did you wait here all night?
Amir: takes a bite of his wheat been thinking of starting a bread business.
Geoffrey: That's awesome actually, I've been working with a bunch of high-powered CEO's to get my Breadmill business running completely pro-bono. If you want I can actually set you up as a business partner.
Amir: That would be more than excellent! It would be...be...be nice!
Jake: That's not more than excellent!
Amir: Jake, ever since you entered all you've done is criticise my bread business, if you're jealous about the fact that you don't have any wheat I can give you some! Amir heaves a bag of dry wheat from the bottom of the table
Jake: That's not why I'm mad! We're a podcast studio, not a bread business! Not a film studio! And we're definitely NOT a Breadmill business, whatever that is! Where on earth are you going to get the capital to open a factory so that you can make bread?!
Amir: picks up the phone Goofy my friend!
Jake places his hands on his head and tries to rip his own hair out
Jake: You've got to be kidding me
Amir: Goofy I have a proposition for you, you know how we've always wanted to make bread Goofy? Well me and my friend Geoffrey here would love to take some of your family inheritance Goofy! You will never get a s-wheat-er deal, Goofy! Amir and Geoffrey wink at each other
Amir: OK so I can put you down for all of your family inheritance Goofy, all £17,000,000 dollars (intentional) Goofy! Well Goofy walk outside Goofy. Do you see several bread making factories Goofy? No? Do you see the biggest bread making piece of land in all of Ohio, Goofy? No Goofy? That's because all the factories broke down Goofy! THERE IS NO MORE MONEY LEFT GOOFY. You'd better walk up to Buckingham Palace and spread out your cheeks because you have been royally fuked Goofy. Goodbye Goofy! *Amir hangs up the phone
Geoffrey: I know an even better way to make bread Geoffrey picks up a massive bag of cocaine this flour thing is a Jack and the Greenstalk type of black magic, it can make bread in less than a day! Best part of all is if you mix the bread with some sweet sweet jam. Geoffrey points at Amir
Amir picks up a box with a Black Rabbit inside
Jake: No, no, I am more than done with this project, I'm going back to my old career.
Amir & Geoffrey: As a comedian?
Jake somehow instantly swipes every jacket in the room
Jake: No you asses! As a coat hanger!
End
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2016.05.03 08:28 georgepaul88 Jake and Amir [Script]: Protein Bars

[Intro]
Amir: H..ey y..o..r ..watchin...
Jake: Learn how to read!
Amir: I'm trying!
[The usual desk setup. Amir is wearing a jacket and hat with the company logo "Nutra-Pro on it. Amir is clearly waiting for Jake to say something.]
Jake: Hey what's "Nutra..
Amir: (Overly excited)-I started a company!
Jake: I'm guessing you were waiting for me to ask abou..
Amir: (Still overly excited)- I'm a fricken entrepreneurship dude!
Jake: Entrepreneur*
Amir: (Still overly excited) I'm a goddamn small business man!
Jake: You're just a small man.
Amir: Watch it! You're talking to a boss..a president..a CEO.. a king if you will.
Jake: Definitely not. What do you sell anyways?
Amir: Protein bars baby!
Jake: Wow, so you think you are a king because you have a small company that sells little homemade healthy snack bars? (Chuckles) How many have you sold?
Amir: Two hundred thousand [cut to Jake's embarrassed face]
Amir: And that's at roughly 5 bucks a bar, so if you do the math that's about three hundred thousand dollars in revenue.
Jake: Okay, so i'm talking to a millionaire who doesn't know how to multiply, this is insane.
Amir: I don't need to know math when I have (holds up the snack bar) "Nutra-Pro", it's nutritious, and malicious!
Jake: Malicious!?
Amir: No? I said delicious and I'm pretty sure Its "delicious".
Jake: How could you forget, you said it 5 seconds ago, and you said malicious buddy.
Amir: Let me check (on computer).. Ya it's "delicious" I was right.
Jake: How do you not know your own slogan, not original by the way, let alone mix it up with a word like "malicious"!
Amir: (Chuckling) I guess my mind's just playing tricks on me, an old tomfoolery. (serious tone). Nah, it's probably because of the small amounts of rat poison I put in there.
Jake: Your kidding right?
Amir: They use it in cigarettes!? How else am i suppose to get people to keep buying these bars!
Jake: It's the nicotine that's addictive, and I don't know!? How about making a product that taste good you fucking psychopath! How are you not in jail or better yet dead by now?
Amir: I don't know, I've done a lot of crazy things over the years, and somehow (chuckles) somehow I'm still sitting here with you.
Jake: Blows my mind.. How did you get the bars to the market anyway?
Amir: Well you know my friend Mickey right?
Jake: I've never met him, but how could i not be aware of his existence, right?
Amir: Ya well, he has an IN with a company that buys our product and sells it under their label.. ever heard of Quacker?
Jake: You mean, Quaker*?
Amir: No, Quacker. It's a vietnamese company that disguises itself as Quaker and finds placements at supermarkets..(laughs) I love those little fuckers!
Jake: Wow I'm not surprised you're partners with a company like that..a corrupt company that that that eats away at the american economy.
Amir: And I salute them. (Salutes)
Jake: I'm sure you do.
[ENTER: Mickey, played by Ed Helms, runs in out of breath]
Mickey: Amir!
Amir: Mickey, my friend!
Jake: Mickey?
Mickey: (To Jake) Who the fuck are you? (Cuts to Jake's shocked face)..Amir I have good news, Quacker made a deal with all the Wal-Mart's in South America. We're going to be "reyes ricos"!!!
Jake: What?
Mickey: It means "rich kings" in spanish you dumb fuck! (Cuts to Jake's shocked face again)
Amir: (arms up in the air) I'm a king, I really am a king now! We did it Mickey! We're full on Mexican Godesses!
Jake: That's not South America
[Mickey and Amir start laughing hysterically...then mickey takes a bite out of the bar and starts to choke!]
Amir: Oh no! ..Mickey..Mickey it's malicious!
Jake: (Worried) It's malicious Mickey!
Amir: (Crying) Mickey it's malicious!
[Mickey still choking, on the ground]
Jake: Mickey It's malicious Mickey!
Amir: (Still crying) Oh no Mickey, it was malicious Mickey... and now i look suspicious Mickey
[Mickey stops choking, motionless on the floor, ENTER El Jefe Rosenberg]
Jeff: He's dead
Amir: (Immediately stops crying and starts to chuckle) He wasn't getting a dime of that money anyways.
Jake: Asshole!
[Enter Fat Cassels]
Pat: Why didn't anyone try to help him?
END
(ps: I know it wasn't my place, but I killed Mickey)
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2016.04.29 23:45 georgepaul88 Jake and Amir [Script]: Protein Bar

[Intro]
Amir: H..ey y..o..r ..watchin...
Jake: Learn how to read!
Amir: I'm trying!
[The usual desk setup. Amir is wearing a jacket and hat with the company logo "Nutra-Pro on it. Amir is clearly waiting for Jake to say something.]
Jake: Hey what's "Nutra..
Amir: (Overly excited)-I started a company!
Jake: I'm guessing you were waiting for me to ask abou..
Amir: (Still overly excited)- I'm a fricken entrepreneurship dude!
Jake: Entrepreneur*
Amir: (Still overly excited) I'm a goddamn small business man!
Jake: You're just a small man.
Amir: Watch it! You're talking to a boss..a president..a CEO.. a king if you will.
Jake: Definitely not. What do you sell anyways?
Amir: Protein bars baby!
Jake: Wow, so you think you are a king because you have a small company that sells little homemade healthy snack bars? (Chuckles) How many have you sold?
Amir: Two hundred thousand [cut to Jake's embarrassed face]
Amir: And that's at roughly 5 bucks a bar, so if you do the math that's about three hundred thousand dollars in revenue.
Jake: Okay, so i'm talking to a millionaire who doesn't know how to multiply, this is insane.
Amir: I don't need to know math when I have (holds up the snack bar) "Nutra-Pro", it's nutritious, and malicious!
Jake: Malicious!?
Amir: No? I said delicious and I'm pretty sure Its "delicious".
Jake: How could you forget, you said it 5 seconds ago, and you said malicious buddy.
Amir: Let me check (on computer).. Ya it's "delicious" I was right.
Jake: How do you not know your own slogan, not original by the way, let alone mix it up with a word like "malicious"!
Amir: (Chuckling) I guess my mind's just playing tricks on me, an old tomfoolery. (serious tone). Nah, it's probably because of the small amounts of rat poison I put in there.
Jake: Your kidding right?
Amir: They use it in cigarettes!? How else am i suppose to get people to keep buying these bars!
Jake: It's the nicotine that's addictive, and I don't know!? How about making a product that taste good you fucking psychopath! How are you not in jail or better yet dead by now?
Amir: I don't know, I've done a lot of crazy things over the years, and somehow (chuckles) somehow I'm still sitting here with you.
Jake: Blows my mind.. How did you get the bars to the market anyway?
Amir: Well you know my friend Mickey right?
Jake: I've never met him, but how could i not be aware of his existence, right?
Amir: Ya well, he has an IN with a company that buys our product and sells it under their label.. ever heard of Quacker?
Jake: You mean, Quaker*?
Amir: No, Quacker. It's a vietnamese company that disguises itself as Quaker and finds placements at supermarkets..(laughs) I love those little fuckers!
Jake: Wow I'm not surprised you're partners with a company like that..a corrupt company that that that eats away at the american economy.
Amir: And I salute them. (Salutes)
Jake: I'm sure you do.
[ENTER: Mickey, played by Ed Helms, runs in out of breath]
Mickey: Amir!
Amir: Mickey, my friend!
Jake: Mickey?
Mickey: (To Jake) Who the fuck are you? (Cuts to Jake's shocked face)..Amir I have good news, Quacker made a deal with all the Wal-Mart's in South America. We're going to be "reyes ricos"!!!
Jake: What?
Mickey: It means "rich kings" in spanish you dumb fuck! (Cuts to Jake's shocked face again)
Amir: (arms up in the air) I'm a king, I really am a king now! We did it Mickey! We're full on Mexican Godesses!
Jake: That's not South America
[Mickey and Amir start laughing hysterically...then mickey takes a bite out of the bar and starts to choke!]
Amir: Oh no! ..Mickey..Mickey it's malicious!
Jake: (Worried) It's malicious Mickey!
Amir: (Crying) Mickey it's malicious!
[Mickey still choking, on the ground]
Jake: Mickey It's malicious Mickey!
Amir: (Still crying) Oh no Mickey, it was malicious Mickey... and now i look suspicious Mickey
[Mickey stops choking, motionless on the floor, ENTER El Jefe Rosenberg]
Jeff: He's dead
Amir: (Immediately stops crying and starts to chuckle) He wasn't getting a dime of that money anyways.
Jake: Asshole!
[Enter Fat Cassels]
Pat: Why didn't anyone try to help him?
END
(ps: I know it wasn't my place, but I killed Mickey)
submitted by georgepaul88 to jakeandamir [link] [comments]


2016.04.03 20:59 CaptainNirvana [SCRIPT] Jake and Amir: Vaporwave

Amir: Jake.
Jake: What?
Amir: QQ, homespace.
Jake: Do you mean homeslice?
Amir: If I mean it, I say it. And when I say it, I spray it, so...
Jake: I don’t think you know what that means.
Amir: Like, spraying the truth.
Jake: Just… what’s your question?
Amir: Ooh, so now you wanna pay attention to me.
Jake: I don’t want to, I just know that if I leave you alone, you’ll keep bothering me.
Amir: ...Is that a rhetorical question?
Jake: I didn’t even ask a question.
Amir: Good, because I can’t answer it.
Jake: Just ask me your question, Christ.
Amir: Vaporwave. What is.
Jake: What do you mean?
Amir: Last night I was up until 4 scouring the interweb and found this thing called a Floral Shoppe?
Jake: Is that supposed to mean something to me?
Amir shrugs
Jake: Well you can just look it up, can’t you?
Amir: I would love to, however, I think I downloaded a Chrome extension that turned all my text into Japanese.
Jake: Jesus…
Amir: I might’ve also downloaded a Chrome extension that encrypts all my files and only gives me the encryption key if I pay $500 in Bitcoin.
Jake: Yeah, that’s not an extension, that’s just a virus, you’re being extorted.
Amir: Well I couldn’t freaking read the thing through all the Japanese!
Jake: Stop crying, it’ll be alright.
Amir: And I still don’t know what a vaporwave is!
Jake: Let me just take a look at your computer.
Jake walks over to his desk
Jake: Why are you still using Windows 95?
Amir: It’s the future.
Jake: It’s the past.
Amir: It’s retro.
Jake: It’s just outdated and inefficient.
Amir: Have you even heard of the term ecstatic?
Jake: I have, you’re just using it wrong.
Amir: It’s like, Japan, and ancient sculptures, and chessboards.
Jake: Yeah, definitely not the word you’re looking for.
Amir: Whateva.
Jake: You also have to close some tabs dude.
Amir: But I’m not done with them!
Jake: You have ten of the same tabs, a Youtube video called “lifting weights and crying while listening to vaporwave”, fifteen tabs for the same HowTo page on how to make vaporwave— you gotta stop dude.
Amir: Ecstatic!
Jake: And the rest are just goatse and Snood. You can close tabs, you know that, right?
Amir: Woah, I have another one! Far right, ass.
Jake: That’s just goatse.
Amir: What?! I thought that was scale.com! That developer lied to me!
Jake: Focus, let me just turn off this Japanese Chrome extension so you can see if you’re actually being extorted.
Amir: Gladly.
Jake: Yeah, you definitely are.
Amir: Can you read it out to me please?
Jake: You’re right here, you can read it.
Amir: It’s just you know I have a hard time with Japanese, the language and the culture—
Jake: It’s in english dude, I switched it back.
Amir: Just please, don’t make me cry in the middle of the office.
Jake: You already are, but fine. “Amir, it’s someone you don’t know. Give me money in bitcoins and drop it off at my laser tag place on Fourty-Fifth.” So—
Amir: Absolutely no clues. We’ll never find him.
Jake: Your cousin Leron owns a laser tag place.
Amir: So you’re saying that it’s my cousin’s business partner.
Jake: No.
Amir: Well quit pussyfooting then!
Jake: Don’t yell that in the office!
Amir: What! It’s not like I’m gonna get fired for anything, you should know this by now.
Jake: How did you get this?
Amir: I don’t know, I was just over at my cousin Leron’s last night—
Jake: --With your laptop.
Amir: Yeah, how did you know?
Jake: Then what happened?
Amir: Well, he stuffed some mushrooms in my mouth, then taped me down and played some weird music.
Jake: Well I assume it was vaporwave.
Amir: Then he took my computer and said he was gonna install something.
Jake: What did he install?
Amir: I dunno. I didn’t ask.
Jake: So your cousin is extorting you.
Amir slaps Jake
Amir: Don’t you ever blame my fucking cousin again.
Jake: Jesus, dude!
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2016.01.08 17:54 Particle_Outcast New to polyamory, my[29F] GF left me[29M] for another lover after making me promise not to do the same to her.

These are fake names, to protect the identity of those involved. I was kindly instructed to come here for aid, advice and thoughts.
My name is Jake. My partner, excuse me, previous partner is Sarah. We’ve had a tumultuous, on again-off again relationship for three years and thirty days. We fell in love very quickly, moved in together quicker, but had bad habits, had a poisonous and painful relationship. We were both unhappy, and didn’t know how to deal with our unhappiness. I cheated on her many times, she did the same, we would have huge fights, argue, we broke up, got back together and resumed a relationship a little bit better than the one we left.
Throughout the three years, we both managed to grow. We both became better as people, and as partners. Towards the end of our relationship, things seemed terrible more often than they were good. Sarah would do things which would hurt me, I would retaliate by stonewalling, and we’d argue endlessly, which would create a whole host of issues in our relationship, which would trickle into every little aspect of our lives.
Sarah and I have always been interested in kink, and BDSM. We’re both interested in various aspects of it, spanning impact play, degradation, torture, to incorporating other people into our sex lives. Throughout the course of our relationship, we shared many experiences together. The most pertinent portion of our non-traditional sex lives would be our foray into the world of group sex.
Due to my proclivity for sex with people that were not just my partner, we began to engage in group sex more and more. Around June of 2015, we found a couple with whom we engaged in group sex a number of times. It was fun, and fulfilling for the both of us, but Sarah definitely enjoyed it more than us. Not that there was anything specifically wrong with group sex for me, I just wasn’t as attracted to the couple as Sarah was.
My lukewarm approach to this foray ended our budding relationship with the couple, though we had a number of fun times together. Sarah and I continued to go on a number of dates with couples, and single women, and though we fooled around with a few of them, we never again engaged in any form of sex. We used our profiles on Fetlfie, as well as a “couples” profile on OkCupid to meet other people to mingle with.
Around mid September of 2015, we ran into one such woman by the name of Amy. She was great, and I was immediately enamored. Sarah also really took to Amy, and we struck up a rushed romance. We hit it off immediately, and spent almost all of our time together for the next few weeks. We introduced Amy to our friends, and were completely open about our relationship with her. This was a big step. Both, Sarah and I were dating Amy.
During our romance, Sarah was often unhappy. She also was enamored with Amy, but was afraid that I was falling for Amy, developing feelings deeper than my feelings for Sarah. One of Sarah’s biggest fears was that I would leave her for Amy. She made me promise that I wouldn’t do that, and that even if we were to break up, that I wouldn’t date Amy.
I understood her fears, and empathized. Obviously, the last thing one person in a relationship wants is to feel discarded, thrown away for a newer, better partner. Eventually, Amy left our relationship for the same reasons we both kept leaving our relationship.
Our sessions together were always super fun, adventurous and fulfilling. But due to the unhealthy nature of Sarah and my relationship, our relationship with Amy was also fraught with difficulty, negativity, and poison. I didn’t handle it well at all, and took out my frustrations with being left by Amy on Sarah. I shouldn’t have and I’m a shitty person because of it. This all culminated with me breaking up with Sarah on December 7th.
Eventually, we got back together because I thought that it was what we both wanted. I could tell Sarah’s heart wasn’t into it, though. Not that it was an excuse, but Sarah simply wasn’t the same after our last break up. She would go through the motions, enthusiastically even, but didn’t they didn’t mean anything to her.
Recently, we’ve opened our relationship to seeing other people in an ethical fashion. I still used our shared OkCupid profile to try to meet potential dates we could date together, and she created single profiles for herself on all of the dating apps. I tried to approach our dates in a pragmatic fashion, so she could meet them, and we could proceed from there. She began to see this gentleman by the name of Amir, who she met under the pretense of being a single woman.
I wasn’t a fan of us seeing other people romantically until our relationship was stronger, but she didn’t agree. I wished to visit a counselor prior to us seeing other people, and she insisted we didn’t need to. She was enamored by Amir the same way I was by Amy. She went ahead and cultivated a relationship with Amir against my protests.
Last night, she dumped me in favor of Amir. So, being dumped sucks. Being broken up with hurts. The worst is probably that Sarah did to me precisely what she made me promise I would never do to her, breaking up with her for another partner we met during our relationship.
I’m not entirely certain how to proceed now. I’m still in shock, for the most part. I don’t blame Sarah for leaving me. I’m an emotionally unhealthy individual, in desperate need of aid and personal betterment. I’ve hurt Sarah during the course of our relationship, over and over and over again, even though she took strides to make things work.
I’m not mad at her for leaving. That’s deserved. I’ve been conflicted regarding how to progress regarding her choosing to dump me in favor of another lover during the course of our relationship. I should be unhappy, but I’m not really. I feel disappointed in her behavior. I feel unjust that she gets to have what she wants, while I had to sacrifice a potentially beautiful relationship with a lover who may have been better for me.
But that’s pretty much the extent of it.
So, I just wished to ask how I should proceed? I don’t blame Sarah, and I’m not upset at her. But I’ve also not been a truly single man for 3 years. I don’t really have any plans for the future, and I don’t know what to do with myself. How to proceed. I’m aware that 3 years isn’t all that long of a time, and I’m aware that there are people who have far worse situations than myself. But I just feel shitty for myself right now, and was hoping to hear some helpful advice.
TL;DR New to poly, gf[29F] of 3 years dumped me[29M] for a new dude she started dating against my protests. After making me promise I wouldn’t do the same to her. What to do?
submitted by Particle_Outcast to polyamory [link] [comments]


2016.01.08 02:59 Particle_Outcast New to polyamory, my[29F] GF left me[29M] for another lover after making me promise not to do the same to her.

These are fake names, to protect the identity of those involved. I apologize if this isn't the appropriate subreddit for this.
My name is Jake. My partner, excuse me, previous partner is Sarah. We’ve had a tumultuous, on again-off again relationship for three years and thirty days. We fell in love very quickly, moved in together quicker, but had bad habits, had a poisonous and painful relationship. We were both unhappy, and didn’t know how to deal with our unhappiness. I cheated on her many times, she did the same, we would have huge fights, argue, we broke up, got back together and resumed a relationship a little bit better than the one we left.
Throughout the three years, we both managed to grow. We both became better as people, and as partners. Towards the end of our relationship, things seemed terrible more often than they were good. Sarah would do things which would hurt me, I would retaliate by stonewalling, and we’d argue endlessly, which would create a whole host of issues in our relationship, which would trickle into every little aspect of our lives.
Sarah and I have always been interested in kink, and BDSM. We’re both interested in various aspects of it, spanning impact play, degradation, torture, to incorporating other people into our sex lives. Throughout the course of our relationship, we shared many experiences together. The most pertinent portion of our non-traditional sex lives would be our foray into the world of group sex.
Due to my proclivity for sex with people that were not just my partner, we began to engage in group sex more and more. Around June of 2015, we found a couple with whom we engaged in group sex a number of times. It was fun, and fulfilling for the both of us, but Sarah definitely enjoyed it more than us. Not that there was anything specifically wrong with group sex for me, I just wasn’t as attracted to the couple as Sarah was.
My lukewarm approach to this foray ended our budding relationship with the couple, though we had a number of fun times together. Sarah and I continued to go on a number of dates with couples, and single women, and though we fooled around with a few of them, we never again engaged in any form of sex. We used our profiles on Fetlfie, as well as a “couples” profile on OkCupid to meet other people to mingle with.
Around mid September of 2015, we ran into one such woman by the name of Amy. She was great, and I was immediately enamored. Sarah also really took to Amy, and we struck up a rushed romance. We hit it off immediately, and spent almost all of our time together for the next few weeks. We introduced Amy to our friends, and were completely open about our relationship with her. This was a big step. Both, Sarah and I were dating Amy.
During our romance, Sarah was often unhappy. She also was enamored with Amy, but was afraid that I was falling for Amy, developing feelings deeper than my feelings for Sarah. One of Sarah’s biggest fears was that I would leave her for Amy. She made me promise that I wouldn’t do that, and that even if we were to break up, that I wouldn’t date Amy.
I understood her fears, and empathized. Obviously, the last thing one person in a relationship wants is to feel discarded, thrown away for a newer, better partner. Eventually, Amy left our relationship for the same reasons we both kept leaving our relationship.
Our sessions together were always super fun, adventurous and fulfilling. But due to the unhealthy nature of Sarah and my relationship, our relationship with Amy was also fraught with difficulty, negativity, and poison. I didn’t handle it well at all, and took out my frustrations with being left by Amy on Sarah. I shouldn’t have and I’m a shitty person because of it. This all culminated with me breaking up with Sarah on December 7th.
Eventually, we got back together because I thought that it was what we both wanted. I could tell Sarah’s heart wasn’t into it, though. Not that it was an excuse, but Sarah simply wasn’t the same after our last break up. She would go through the motions, enthusiastically even, but didn’t they didn’t mean anything to her.
Recently, we’ve opened our relationship to seeing other people in an ethical fashion. I still used our shared OkCupid profile to try to meet potential dates we could date together, and she created single profiles for herself on all of the dating apps. I tried to approach our dates in a pragmatic fashion, so she could meet them, and we could proceed from there. She began to see this gentleman by the name of Amir, who she met under the pretense of being a single woman.
I wasn’t a fan of us seeing other people romantically until our relationship was stronger, but she didn’t agree. I wished to visit a counselor prior to us seeing other people, and she insisted we didn’t need to. She was enamored by Amir the same way I was by Amy. She went ahead and cultivated a relationship with Amir against my protests.
Last night, she dumped me in favor of Amir. So, being dumped sucks. Being broken up with hurts. The worst is probably that Sarah did to me precisely what she made me promise I would never do to her, breaking up with her for another partner we met during our relationship.
I’m not entirely certain how to proceed now. I’m still in shock, for the most part. I don’t blame Sarah for leaving me. I’m an emotionally unhealthy individual, in desperate need of aid and personal betterment. I’ve hurt Sarah during the course of our relationship, over and over and over again, even though she took strides to make things work.
I’m not mad at her for leaving. That’s deserved. I’ve been conflicted regarding how to progress regarding her choosing to dump me in favor of another lover during the course of our relationship. I should be unhappy, but I’m not really. I feel disappointed in her behavior. I feel unjust that she gets to have what she wants, while I had to sacrifice a potentially beautiful relationship with a lover who may have been better for me.
But that’s pretty much the extent of it.
So, I just wished to ask how I should proceed? I don’t blame Sarah, and I’m not upset at her. But I’ve also not been a truly single man for 3 years. I don’t really have any plans for the future, and I don’t know what to do with myself. How to proceed. I’m aware that 3 years isn’t all that long of a time, and I’m aware that there are people who have far worse situations than myself. But I just feel shitty for myself right now, and was hoping to hear some helpful advice.
TL;DR New to poly, gf[29F] of 3 years dumped me[29M] for a new dude she started dating against my protests. After making me promise I wouldn’t do the same to her. What to do?
submitted by Particle_Outcast to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2015.12.10 22:49 tabledresser [Table] IAmA: I am Elliott Morgan and I do things on the internet. It's not (all) porn. AMA

Verified? (This bot cannot verify AMAs just yet)
Date: 2015-12-10
Link to submission (Has self-text)
Questions Answers
On the SF podcast, you mentioned how the whole Premature thing came from feeling like you got to this point way faster than you feel is reasonable (from what I gathered.) Lee also brought up the point of you (through a shit load of work) already having a substantial audience that perhaps aided all of this unreasonably fast success. So, my question is, if you had none of that exposure, and were just a guy with your genuine comedic talent (I think you're hilarious, and have done since day 1 of SourceFed,) do you feel you'd have gotten to this point? And how long do you feel it may have taken? Also, how many times per day, on average, did you see Steve Zaragoza's balls and/or ass around the SF offices? Great question! This is a tough one to answer, because I'm not sure how I feel about the phrase "to this point." I think this industry is full of ups and downs, and I accepted that when I moved to Los Angeles five years ago. So "this point" kind of implies a solid trajectory, and I try to avoid that mentality in this industry. Otherwise you go crazy panicking about "what's next," etc. THAT SAID, and let me just say that there's a chance this could sound egotistical. I do NOT mean it that way, I promise. I would never diminish or try to downplay the role having an audience has played in my fun little journey. I'm eternally thankful and amazed anyone watches my stuff. That said, I do believe good stuff would have still happened, yes. In an alternate universe, with no YouTube audience, I do believe good things would have happened. It would look different, for sure, and it might have taken a little longer, but I think it would have happened. I'd also probably have two penises, because this is an alternate universe we're talking about, and you don't know how many penises I have in that universe, let alone how many Twitter followers. In this universe, I have one penis and a nice group of people who support what I do. I hope they like the special and we can all keep having fun together. :)
My girlfriend is in class and busy with finals preparation so I'm here asking for her. Hey, man! Hi to your girlfriend and good luck to her on finals. I remember those. #itgetsbetter.
Hey Elliott! I've been a huge fan of yours since your Sourcefed days. How do you think your humor has changed/matured since then? Hi, Bloody lamp! Thank you for watching me on SourceFed and whatever else. My humor has definitely gotten a lot darker. Since kinda falling into the YouTube game, it's been a constant game of "Okay, will people hate me for this joke? Do I care? Is it funny enough? Is it a reflection of my world view or solely done for shock value?" The result has been, as I'm more open about what I find funny, people seem to be more attracted to it. Weird how that works. Like... be yourself or something? Is that the moral? I don't know. This is my first answer, so it's a little longwinded and I apologize for that. The last thing I wanna do is ramble. When I ramble, I accidentally forget put linking verbs, and it just becomes unreadable. I'll try to make sure Id don't ramble or put typos hate tpos.
Who are your comedic inspirations? My dad is starting to do standup, and I'm interested to see how his compare to yours, since you two are similar in style. Awesome! I love standup so much. I always have, and I view getting to do it as a huge honor, whether it's an open mic or an hour-long special called Premature, available now on Vimeo on Demand.
As for my comedic inspirations, I don't think I'll shock anyone by listing some names: Pete Holmes, John Mulaney, Bo Burnham, Steve Martin, Joel McHale, and Bill Burr. There's kind of this generation of comedians who I love watching grow and try new things. They really inspire me. Mulaney got flack for his show, but he was really experimenting with it. That spirit of doing an old thing slightly differently is super cool to me. And Gallagher.
Always Gallagher.
You always seemed like the shy guy at SourceFed and I assumed that by the time you did Ultimate Pop Culture, you had gained more confidence. But then I saw that thing you did for Nickelodeon so I guessed that you must've always been a performer. Have you always been comfortable talking to a camera/audience? How can somebody improve their confidence for those situations? Fun question, and big fan of your username.
It took me a little longer to find my voice. I think the missing factor was always that I cared too much. So when I stopped caring, it all happened more naturally. The same can be said for stand-up. The power to not give a shit about what others think is possibly the single greatest power a human can achieve.
Or so I've heard, and if you disagree, please let me know, and I'm SO SORRY if you think I'm wrong, seriously, so sorry, oh my god I'm embarrassed.
(I'm finding many of my answers are structured the same way: sincerity, followed by a classic betrayal. It's like longwinded 'I see what you did there' stuff.)
Hey Elliot! How exactly did you go from sourcefed to your comedy special? I quit SourceFed and started doing stand-up. I bribed a series of higher-ups in showbusiness. I started doing cocaine, so I'd fit in with a lot of other budding stand-up comedians. I sold one half of my soul (other half is for a sitcom later). I performed a sexual flavor, which is like a sexual flavor, but... banana-flavored. Haha, I just made myself smile at how stupid this answer is. I'm so sorry. Epic fail here. Please forgive me.
Even effed up the flavor joke. Nice, Elliott. elliottmorganspecial.com.
Hello mista morgan. massive fan. I go between gross Pizza Hut, with pepperoni, bacon, and onions, dipped in ranch, with whiskey/coke on the side. After that, I enjoy a nice dessert of regret and self-hatred.
1.whats your favorite pizza toping? Gilligan has bitches swoonin', so he's fine.
2.would you ever get another lady puppy for gilgin? The thing I go between is, uh, this place called PizzaRev/Pizza Studio. Like a Subway but for pizza. I put jalapenos, and spicy topping, and then sriracha all over it. Not gonna even check if that's the right spelling of sriracha. Can't be right.
Hey Elliott! I've loved you since SourceFed. What's your favorite story from those times? Closed door writing room times. We were all going mildly crazy there, and that insanity manifested itself in all sorts of ways.
I believed, behind closed doors, I'd pretend to be a mentally challenged stripper and give someone a lap dance. Joe and I would find horrendous, disgusting, vile photos on the Internet and send them to Steve with captions like "New Breaking Bad news!" or something, and it would be a photo of... stuff I refuse to conjure in my memories.
What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch? Holy shit, Steve. Lunch is like this weird challenge for me. It's the one meal that actually affects my day. So I try to eat something healthy. But honestly, I'm a sucker for fast food. But lunch is just this forgettable meal, what is it even trying to be? Do you ENJOY it or do you just eat something to stay alive? That's the conundrum. I will probably eat a roast beef sandwich today. That'll do.
Hey Elliott! Just heard you one the Jake and Amir podcast, and it was two fandoms colliding for me, so thanks for that. "Depression" is a strong word. I've spoken on depression on Happy Hour and was certainly not in a good mental place through much of that time, but I've never been, like, diagnosed or anything, and I don't believe that's really what it was. I'd hate to self-diagnose like that.
My question is kind of a downer though sorry. I've heard you say you went through some depression while and after you were at Sourcefed, how did you work through that and still stay productive (doing stand up, your youtube channel etc)? Thanks! I think, like a lot of people, I just have low lows. Nowadays when that happens, I try to consume as much as possible. Books, podcasts, youtube videos. I try to fill my brain. I also have other habits that aren't as healthy, like drinking scotch or killing pedestrians in my car.
When did you start writing jokes for your comedy special? And who did you work with to make it happen? Hey, great question! The folks at Supergravity Pictures have been absolutely incredible, and I'm not just saying that because they set up this AMA. They've given me such a huge amount of support that it's really comforting.
As for the jokes themselves, I think any standup imagines a special at some point. So I guess the jokes came the first time I did an open mic. WHICH WAS TERRIBLE BY THE WAY. :)
What's your favorite album of all time? Hmm... album? Wow. The Blue Album, Automatic For The People... Want One by Rufus Wainwright. Hard to pick a favorite ALBUM! Man, so many factors.
My favorite song ever is Go Or Go Ahead by Rufus Wainwright and it has been since I was like 17. See? If I don't know an answer to your question I'll just answer an entirely different question... MAN OF THE PEOPLE.
Hello Elliot! I watched you from mid-Sourcefed times, I just watched your special and you're so amazing. What are your future plans, you're going to do what you do now or changing something? Thank you SO MUCH for watching it! Seriously!
Next is touring, and I'm shhh working on a web series with my writing partner, Jon De Weerd, starring myself, Lee Newton, and Joe Bereta. Not gonna lie, I think it's some of the funniest stuff we've written.
Besides that, I wanna get better at hosting, stand-up, and I had a dream last night someone told me I should lose four pounds, so maybe I'll try that. Oh, and a grammy.
Hi Elliott! I like you as a person. Now that you've done your comedy special, do you feel like you can aim higher and get into the TV/movie game any more so than before? i.e will you be continuing to produce Youtube content or are you moving forward in the industry? I like you as a person, as well! I mean, I don't know you, but you like me, and isn't that the most important thing to us humans? With our constant need for validation and approval?
ANYWAY. I'm excited to find out what's next. Ideally, yes, I'd be doing more television. I'll never stop YouTube, but I love television. Like, honest to God, I'd kick an actual baby for a role in the next season of Fargo. KICK.
A.
BABY.
Last updated: 2015-12-10 21:49 UTC Next update: 2015-12-10 21:59 UTC
This post was generated by a robot! Send all complaints to epsy.
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2015.12.08 02:34 gopokeyourself New Episodes: Week of 12/7

Monday

Talk of Shame with Streeter Seidell
Ep 41 – Abbi Crutchfield on Conan…Kind Of
Comedian Abbi Crutchfield (www.curlycomedy.tumblr.com) did not understand how late night TV worked, but that didn’t stop her from trying to get on it. Plus! A British Person Reads One Of Your Embarrassing Stories, which you can send me at [email protected] or www.talkofshameshow.com/submit
This episode is sponsored by Throwboy, creators of the original Emoji Pillows. Get 15% off with code “Shame” www.throwboy.com
Ep 42 – Tom Philip: Manscaping Master
Writer Tom Philip (twitter.com/tommphilip) stopped by to discuss a manscaping mishap. Plus! A real life British (not Tom) reads one of your embarrassing stories. Send me your traumatic tales at [email protected] or www.talkofshameshow.com/submit
Overdue with Andrew Cunningham and Craig Getting
Episode 149: Around the World in Eighty Days
This week we’re going around the world — in 80 days, no less! Well, actually, Andrew read Jules Verne’s classic globetrotting adventure Around the World in Eighty Days, but we still TALK about a lot of places even if we don’t go there.
Other travel tips include cultural broad strokes. fast food pranks, and scientific romance.
This week’s transcontinental journey is brought to you by the good folks at Squarespace.
How to Make Me Come with Sylvia
Episode 7: Fast and Furious Orgasms
Sylvia talks to “Charlie”, a woman who comes quite easily, about the pros and cons of the fast orgasm.
If I Were You with Jake Hurwitz and Amir Blumenfeld
Episode 187: Old Bully (live in Brooklyn!)
In this episode we discuss Serbia, Yu-Gi-Oh! and masturbation injuries. Recorded at “The Hall at MP” in Williamsburg, BK!
This episode is brought to you by MeUndies, Leesa, and Squarespace!

Tuesday

The Easy Chair with Laura Hurwitz
Episode 19: Walter Mitty (featuring Jake Hurwitz)
This week on The Easy Chair: it’s the episode you have all been waiting for! Things get real as my son Jake joins me to read his favorite short story, James Thurber’s “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty”. There’s fantasy, amusing banter, a little bit of commentary, some random profanity and one huge disclaimer: son Micah, I just want to put it out there that I love both of you boys equally despite what Jake badgered me into saying. He gave me no choice. It’s his podcast network. Tune in! This week’s episode is brought to you by Squarespace and Skurt.
HeadGum Fantasy Football League with Billy Scafuri
Episode 14: Regular Season Recap
Similar to the Draft Recap, all nine GMs call into the show to discuss with Commish and Chris with Stats (@IAmChrisHayden) how their regular season went and what they expect from the playoffs.
The Mindhouse Podcast with Josh Ruben
Episode 30: Dagmara Dominczyk
Josh & Dagmara Dominczyk (“Night is a Room”) talk the acting/writing/parenthood balance, going toe to toe with the brilliant Ann Dowd in her new play, & the evolution of her novel, “The Lullaby of Polish Girls”!
Coupla Questions with Dannielle Owens-Reid and Julia Nunes
Episode 10: I Saw All Improv Ladies As A No-Go (Heather Woodward & David Kantrowitz)
Have you ever gone to improv class or been in an improv group, or gone to any class or been in any group, hoping to meet your future partner but knowing upon first entering the door that this will never happen here and you’ve thrown $400 down the drain only to learn how to initiate a scene or learn the rules of Dungeons & Dragons? Well that didn’t happen to Heather and David, who did in fact meet when they were on the same improv team. Here’s to hoping they name their first born Harold. (Del Close can explain.) This episode is guest co-hosted by Julia Nunes!
Out on the Lanai with Brittani Nichols, H. Alan Scott, and Kerri Doherty
Golden Girls Podcast: S3E8 – Brittani Nichols
Brittani Nichols (Transparent) joins H. Alan Scott and Kerri Doherty for The Golden Girls season 3 episode “Brotherly Love,” where they discuss Ted’s abysmal acting, Dorothy’s amazing faceplant, and Sophia’s amazing moment with a saucepan.

Wednesday

This is Why You're Single with Angela Spera and Laura Lane
You Avoid Conflict
This week the ladies talk about how often couples should have sex, the latest dating apps you might want to join, social media etiquette and dating and what Laura learned from a love guru.
This episode is brought to you by Squarespace and Skurt.
The New Hollywood
Christy Stratton (Awkward, King of the Hill)
Writer Christy Stratton talks Amanda Bynes, Mike Judge, Awkward and her new Web Series “Everyone is Crazy But Us” with Janet Varney and Diedrich Bader.
Shock and Awesome with Chris "Shockwave" Sullivan
FIRST BEST (of Awesome) – Noah Scalin
Celebrate 10 episodes of Shock and Awesome with a MEGAMIXTAPE of songs from the previous 9 artists fine blended into a creative conversation with visual artist Noah Scalin. See ya in 2016 – Until then, enjoy your holidayzzz and “keep making snowballs!”
Gilmore Guys with Demi Adejuyigbe and Kevin Porter
Gilmail Vol. 11 (with Sarah Heyward)
Sarah Heyward (@shinyunicorn) joins 1/2 of the Gilmore Guys for a SPOILER FILLED DISCUSSION and also to go through voicemails and emails!
This episode is sponsored by Squarespace and Skurt
I Burn Everything with Dave Horowitz and Stevie Nelson
Ep. 1 – Noël Wells
Noël Wells (Master of None, SNL) joins us for our first episode to talk about first dates, first date foods, accidental dates and butt stuff.
submitted by gopokeyourself to Headgum [link] [comments]


2015.12.01 01:50 gopokeyourself New Episodes: Week of 11/30/15

Monday

Overdue with Andrew Cunningham and Craig Getting
147: Catch-22
War…war never changes. But it does get more and more absurd the deeper you dive into Joseph Heller’s Catch-22.
Join us for a discussion of potato tips, alternate podcast titles, double binds and logic traps, and the celebrity resemblance of one Major Major Major Major.
How to Make Me Come with Sylvia
Episode 6: Expressing Sexual Arousal-Part One
Sylvia conducts interviews with two anonymous women about how they share with a partner that they’re turned on. Also, listeners are invited to share their thoughts on the matter.
If I Were You with Jake Hurwitz and Amir Blumenfeld
Episode186: Polyamory (w/Elliott Morgan!)
Comedian/ActoWriteHost Elliott Morgan is in the house to discuss butts, crushes, and love triangles.
This episode is brought to you by BeekeepersNaturals, BirkSun, and ThrowBoy.com!
HeadGum Fantasy Football Podcast with Billy Scafuri
Episode 13: Also Named Blumenfeld
As the regular season winds down, Amir Blumenfeld, the GM of Also Named Bortles, sits down with the Commish, Billy Scafuri, to discuss his niece, his luck, Kobe Bryant and more!
The Easy Chair with Laura Hurwitz
Episode 18: August Heat
This week on The Easy Chair: “August Heat” by W.H. Harvey. One blistering hot August day, artist James Clarence Withencroft sketches a portrait of a man from his imagination, then goes on a walk only to find himself face to face with Charles Atkinson, the man whose likeness he has just drawn. Atkinson makes headstones; the one he is working on bears Withencroft’s full name, exact birthdate, and the date of his “sudden death”- which happens to be that very day. This tale is guaranteed to send shivers up your spine. Tune in! And heads up…next week my guest on the Easy Chair has me to thank for many things, including giving him life. My son Jake Hurwitz will be reading his favorite short story, “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty”. Trust me, you won’t want to miss it.

Tuesday

The Mindhouse Podcast with Josh Ruben
Episode 29: Noah Kalina
Josh & Noah Kalina (Photographer) talk originating his OG viral “Everyday” video, the photographeretoucher relationship, and his new book, “CABIN PORN” – the perfect holiday gift!
This episode is sponsored by Throwboy!

Wednesday

This is Why You're Single with Angela Spera and Laura Lane
You Need A Good Wingman
Having a good wingman, winglady or wingwoman is important! This week the ladies talk about: the hottest names on dating apps and how dogs make friends for their humans. We also talk about high school reunions, horrible prom stories and breakdown the single stories from some of our favorite listener submissions ever!
The New Hollywood
Rob Huebel (Transparent, Human Giant)
Actor Rob Huebel talks UCB, Human Giant, Rob Riggle, Curb, Lena Dunham, his new Comedy Central show and shaking goddamn Peter Fonda’s hand.
Shock and Awesome with Chris "Shockwave" Sullivan
Molly Pope – Capitalized in Quotes
Swipe right on an ascendant gay icon! Molly Pope likes your podcast. This woman-diva has a HUGE voice and, like most of us, uses an upper-case performance persona (social media?) to filter the lower case person behind it. In this episode, we reinterpret classic pop songs inspired by a radio show from the 50’s and get a few much needed singing tips.

Thursday

HeadGum Fantasy Basketball Podcast with Tim Baltz
Episode 5: Horny for Candy
HeadGum FBL’s only co-owners, Brad Morris and Andy St. Clair, stop by the studio to talk hot hashtags and talk trash on all of the league’s team names.
That Was Us with Julia Nunes
Ep12: Erin McGown
Erin was the first female write on a whatever. We talk about dating, setting up traps for your grandkids and shit talk Jake and Amir.
This episode is brought to you by squarespace.com

Friday

Black Men Can't Jump with James III, Jerah Milligan, and Jonathan Braylock
Creed
This week the boys review the new film, Creed (unofficially Rocky 7) starring Michael B. Jordan. We take a look at what it means for a black actor to take on a “white hero franchise”, why the previews before a movie matters and James III redefines what a “black film” is.
Twinnovation with Dave Rosenberg, Jeff Rosenberg, and Mike Karnell
19 Mom’s Spaghetti
Mike blows it by not buying StarWars tickets. The hustlers don’t let it phase them though, they present some true billion dollar schemes. Dave is selling hot girl farts. Jeff is scamming UberEats. Mike is providing a custom pump up service where his crew will come perform Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” to anyone on demand. This week the nation brings some of the finest hustles we’ve ever heard about. But as the producer of this show I have to single out listener Michael who is trying to cut me out of his hustle. Michael I respect you. Great work you miserable cruel genius. Damn it.
Best of Friends with Erin Mallory Long, James Woodham, and Krista Doyle
Episode 49: The One With The Shower Pickle
The one where Krista, Erin, and Jamie discuss episodes 04×15 (TOW All The Rugby) and 04×16 (TOW The Fake Party). You’ll find out what kind of podcast we think each character would host in 2015, you’ll hear us engage in a supreme Friendsverse version of Fuck Marry Kill, and you’ll join us for a rousing debate regarding the acceptability of shower foods. The plane to Yemen is preparing for departure, so grab everything you own and kiss your crazy ex goodbye. The flight to floopy leaves now!
Overdue with Andrew Cunningham and Craig Getting
Episode 148: Things Fall Apart (Bonus episode)
Our belated bonus episode for November tackles Chinua Achebe’s Things Fall Apart, a seminal work of Nigerian literature and a look at the bad things that can happen when cultures clash.
Join us for a treatise on present wrapping, discussions of colonialism and yams, and a tiny, disturbing sneak peek into our next 50 Shades of Grey talk.

Saturday

High and Mighty with Jon Gabrus
Episode 18: Hanukkah and Judiasm w/ Adam Pally and Gil Ozeri
Gabrus has his friends (and only jewish comedians he knows) Adam Pally and Gil Ozeri by to talk about being raised Jewish, Jewish Culture,and those 8 crazy nights of Hannukah. L’chaim
submitted by gopokeyourself to Headgum [link] [comments]


2015.03.13 00:39 gropsbdops Fan [Script] Tuxedo

I sat on this hen of a script for not but over a week or something and let that spruce goose hatch into a beautiful moose. Schlong story shart, I didn't really feel like reading my mostly illegible handwriting spread out over different parts of my notebook and putting it together in the correct order then typing it up. This was originally going to be a bit in my other script The League, but I just kept getting more and more ideas and it blossomed into its own script. Anyways, please give suggestions or comments, this script could probably use some editing.
Also if ya got an idea for an episode but don't want to write a script let me know and I can probably whip one up
Enjoy!
Tuxedo
Setting: (Amir is at ‘work’ at his desk, writing with a marker on his computer screen. He is also wearing the top half of a tuxedo that is clearly far too small for him. Jake enters, carrying his lunch. He stops, sniffs, grimaces, then notices Amir’s tux. Proceeds to sit down, put his lunch to the side, and looks at Amir)
J: So. Any special occasion?
A: Why would there be a special occasion?
J: Nevermind. You’ve done a lot weirder shit than this, and I don’t really care too much. (Starts working)
A: (Looks offended, starts pulling at the tuxedo, trying to get Jake’s eye)
J: (Either does not care or is not paying attention)
A: (Makes an offended sound)
J: (Is still not paying attention)
A: So you aren’t even going to ask me why I’m wearing a costume?
J: You aren’t wearing a costume.
A: It’s called a penguin, jackass.
J: No, it’s called a tuxedo.
A: (Looks very confused)
J: You own a penguin costume. You should know the difference.
A: Well, aren’t you going to ask me about it? Just ask me already! Askk mee!
J: Fine! Fine. Ok, why the tuxedo? It—
A: I want to look my best! (Strikes an unattractive pose, probably face related)
J: This need is coming from the guy who wore a pair of shit-stained khakis—
A: No! No I didn’t!
J: I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen you realize that you need to be embarrassed for yourself. And yes, you did! Do you not remember?
A: (Scoffs) I most certainly did NOT! I only wore ONE KHAKI! Not a pair!
J: Pair is used for the singular of some clothing items. Did you not learn this in school?
A: (Looks at Jake expectantly)
J: That’s right, you never got past 3rd grade. Both in school and on a mental scale.
A: Well guess what, partner, you’re wrong!
J: About the school?
A: No, about the pair. I can’t wear a pear you square bear!
J: Jesus Christ. (To himself) It’s not even worth it. Still, you wore a shit-stained khaki for over a year—
A: Only one!
J: I deliberately did not say pair so this wouldn’t happen. Also, you could count the number of times you’ve showered on one hand, well, if you could count past three (Looks around thinking). Actually, it’s probably less than three, so yea, you could.
A: This tuxedo is from my bar mitzvah. So who’s the DICKLING extraordinaire now, JAKIE?
J: It’s always you. You know, I couldn’t fit into my tuxedo from my bar mitzvah. Your tux is clearly too small, but how do you even manage to put it on? Given your upbringing, I’d expect you to have been stunted as a child.
A: For your information, I had my bar mitzvah when I was 18. Yea, the big-ol sweet 16.
J: 16 or 18?
A: My parents didn’t want me to feel like a man, so they forbid me from having a bar mitzvah. My dad told me that he wanted me by his side on his deathbed just so that he could look over and see his greatest failure in life be a piece of shit kid.
J: How on earth did your brothers actually turn out well when your parents are such terrible people?
A: Them’s good people!
J: No, they aren’t.
A: Pink as a mare, shaved to the skin, I was ready for the thick and thin.
J: Is that some fucked up thing your parents did to make you feel like a child?
A: Presumption much! It wasn’t my parentS, it was my dad, and you’re bad. AnyBLAZE (Imitates holding joints in both hands and pretends to take splitsecond hits from them multiple times), the very gayte I turned 18, I was raving and ready to go, having been kicked out of the house the night before. Going to that little diva’s bar mitzvah like my name was Amir or what haven’t you—
J: Your name is Amir……
A: I finally felt like a man, as they dragged my half-nude ass, pink as the night, into and out of the church.
J: Half-nude?
A: As in my top AND bottom half were NUDED!
A: God…. So you didn’t even have your own bar mitzvah? You just crashed some poor kid’s bar mitzvah, without any pants on? How were you not arrested?
A: As it turns out, it was a close shave, much like the one my father gave me. That, coupled with the fact I’m naturally greasy turned me into quite the buttery little oyster to crack.
J: (Suddenly eyes the tuxedo) Did you steal that from the kid? You said you were nude—
A: No, half nude
J: At the bar mitzvah, and you also said that you got that tux at your bar mitzvah. You stole that, didn’t you?!
A: You know what, I don’t have to take this! (Stands up, is wearing the shit-stained khakis)
J: At least you had the decency to put on some pants. (Sees the brown spot) Oh god, are those the khakis?! I thought you said you washed them!
A: (Enunciating) A pear of tacky khakis for this Iraqi lackey makes the ladies WACKY! And I SAID I washed them. I Said!
J: Usually when people say things, they actually mean them. And I wasn’t arguing about whether you said that. I hoped to god that you wouldn’t let me down and actually did wash them, but clearly you didn’t. I don’t know why I put any trust in you anymore.
A: And I did wash them!
J: You clearly didn’t!
A: No, no, no! I looked at them for like 5 frickin’ hours!
J: Washing and watching are two different things!
A: No!
J: Fine, you watched them, but that still doesn’t change the fact that they are shit-stained. You know, why do you still have the tux, it’s been over 12 years since you ruined that kid’s mitzvah.
A: My dad ganked the tux off of me. (Sits and looks at Jake expectantly for a few seconds)
J: (Looks around, confused) How does that explain—
A: Don’t interrupt me!! So there I was, bare-assed and huddled in a pile of newspapers and what have you in a gutter, and who else do I see but my papa, dressed in his finest winery, strolling down the street, apparently celebrating or some shit. I call out to him, to tell him that I’m finally a man, and you want to know what that micey micey coward did?
J: Not really, but you’re probably going to tell—
A: He LUNGED the 10 feet between us, straddled by half-frozen body, and leaned down, arms outstretched. At this point I’m in tears because I think he’s finally going to give me the not so humble thanks I deserve, in the form of a firm, yet loose hug. Much to my surprise, he took me aback by yanking the tux off of my back, and told me that I was never going to be a man. Then he took off in a dead sprint out of the city, leaving me fully nuded, Jewed, and coyed in the gutter.
J: You should be dead.
A: And I would be too if my cousin Learon didn’t find me that day. Well, he wasn’t my cousin yet, he was still an orphan. A year later to the very may, fattened up to a hearty 50 pounds I would receive nothing other than a tux identical to the one my father stole off of my body. Every year since he sends me a tux, exact replica, down to the grease stains I left on it just to remind me that I have never or will never be a man.
J: I would call your relationship with your parents a joke, except it isn’t funny. It’s so depressing, I actually might have to talk to a therapist after all of this shit you just told me.
A: Gay much?
J: The only reason I can imagine that your father hasn’t gone to jail yet is the fact that you’re such a piece of shit that people must feel you deserve it. I still hate you for the things you do, but all these stories you tell just make me really feel sad for you. I mean, your father ruined your life. I don’t know, man, I guess I’m sorry for the way I treat you sometimes. You’ve been through so much shit, you don’t deserve any more.
A: (Fake crying, imitating Jake) Oh, I feel soo bad for poor poor Amir, oOoh, he has the hardest life, I feel bad for how I treat him, his father mistreated him, boo-hoo. (Stops imitating) You little pansy! I don’t want your pity!
J: Are you really mocking me right now? See, this is the reason that I treat you the way I do. Im—I’m just going to leave. I don’t want to have to deal with this harassment. (Gets up, starts walking away)
A: (Is actually crying) No Jakie! I’m sorry! Please don’t gooo! It was a goof! I’m sorry!
J: (Walks back) Oh god……. I’ll stay, just please stop crying. You’re over 30 years old and you still cry so much. Jesus
A: (Through tears) Thanks. (Is immediately calmed. Scoffs, under breath) Queerdo.
J: (Jake looks exasperated, covers his face)
--End--
If you liked that you can check out my other scripts also.
submitted by gropsbdops to jakeandamir [link] [comments]


2014.05.04 04:34 CaptainNirvana [Script] Jake and Amir: Pilots

Jake and Amir sitting at desks. Jake is listening to music. Amir is staring at him. Then, Amir, the diva roach he is, reaches over and pulls Jake's earphone off his head.
Jake: Hey, c'mon bud.
Amir: Oh, hey.
Jake: Don't think I tried to get your attention.
Amir: Since I have you, I was wondering if I could pitch some television pilots to you.
Jake: You know what? Fine. It's the closest you've ever gotten to getting anything done ever in eight years.
Amir: Alright, ready?
beat
Jake: Are you waiting?
Amir: I asked if you were ready!
Jake: Yes! Fine! I'm ready! Just don't cry!
Amir: Okay, number one: A Body Cop comedy! laughs
Jake: I don't get the joke. You have to explain it first before you can make a pun off of it.
Amir: Lethal Weapon meets Weekend at Bernie's. A young maverick detective, new to the harsh cities of L.A., is soon partnered up with the old, seasoned police captain. The twist? The captain is in a coma! Watch them as they hustle through the streets chasing their bad guys, one dragging the other behind! It's a--
Jake: Yeah, I got it. A body cop comedy.
Amir: Body cop, exactly right.
Jake: Next.
Amir: Ambulance Armstrong. An ambulance driver, out of work, causes havoc across L.A. to stay employed. The twist? It's Lance Armstrong! Watch Lance dance his way along the edge of maniacal and hysterical!
Jake: Nope. Just maniacal. Not even that funny. Just purely negligent. Also, not saying it's a good show idea, but if you were to produce it--
Amir: Thank you.
Jake: No. If you were to make it, getting Lance Armstrong to be on it would be expensive.
Amir: Oh no! I need money! No worries. I'll just pull out this crowd-pleaser--Banana, MD. A young doctor emerging on the medical scene has hilarious interactions with the patients he sees everyday. The twist?
Jake: Let me guess; he's a banana?
Amir: Yeah! A banana! It's hilarious!
Jake: Right, you know not every show has to have a twist?
Amir: This one's more of a made for TV movie, but, it's a re-adaptation of Schindler's List.
Jake: The film?
Amir: Yeah! It's hilarious!
Jake: No! Right buddy? It's not a comedy!
Amir: I laughed.
Jake: You're sadistic.
Amir: Oh no! I have deep-rooted psychological issues stemming from my abused childhood? No fear! My new show will grind your gear! ...Apple, MD.
Jake: Flawless transition. And what's the deal with all these fruit doctors? Were you in a produce section?
Amir: Seinfeld. A hilarious fictionalized chronicle of Jerry Seinfeld and his day-to-day life.
Jake: Already a show.
Amir: Yeah, well you didn't call me out on Banana, MD!
Jake: Is that a thing?
Amir: ...The twist? Seinfeld lives in L.A.!
Jake: New York is a pretty important part of the show. And you really gotta branch out from L.A.
Amir: You didn't call me out on Body Cop!
Jake: You said it was in LA.
Amir: L.A. as in Louisiana. ASS.
submitted by CaptainNirvana to jakeandamir [link] [comments]


2014.02.19 18:55 Chill_OReilly Jake and Amir: The TV Show- My dream cast/guest stars

Since the web-series is (presumably) over, I have begun to think about who else will be in the TV show. Obviously, most of these are unrealistic and are probably too expensive, but still, let me dream, you roach.
New characters
Helms, executive producer of the show, seems almost guaranteed a spot in the show somewhere. Since they are in a new office, naturally they need a new boss. He tries to be a cool guy, but often loses his temper. Has his "cousin (former NFL QB Chad Hutchinson)"'s jersey hanging in his office. Is not actually former NFL QB Chad Hutchinson's cousin.
Gaffney Jordan, a nerdy college graduate, works at the office as a programmer. He is often the butt of Amir's jokes and is defended by Jake, much like Pat Cassels. Also, like Pat Cassels, does not have a dad.
This is my own private Reddit post and I will not be harrassed...BITCH! Billy is an editor for the website and is Jake's adversary in the office, as he is intimidated by Billy's fashion sense and ability to get girls. Billy has seen every episode of Gossip Girl. Twice.
One of the actors and writers for the website, Candice is the love interest of both Billy and Jake. Jake is constantly writing sketches in which he ends up kissing her. While acting in one of his music videos, she became John Mayer's least famous sex partner.
Jake's best friend in the office, Lawrence is a standup comedian and writer. Plays a foil to Jake's more eccentric side and is more level-headed than Jake when dealing with Amir's antics. Lawrence is a fan of underground hip-hop music and basketball, except for that blonde guy, #33 for the Celtics.
The owner of StubCorp, the company that owns the website. A rich man with a Napoleon complex, Royal is extremely insecure and constantly needs to feel better than everyone. Coincidentally, he and Amir get along swimmingly.
Characters from web-series (guest stars/cameos)
Charlie Day is good at playing crazy people. Whether it's Charlie Kelly, Dale Arbus, or Spaceman Benny, there's always some sort of insanity in his characters. LeRon is a rather crazy individual, and for a bonus point, Charlie and Amir sort of look alike. Possible scene: Amir leaves work to go play laser tag with LeRon and take the kids' juice
It only seems natural, right? Was originally considering Idris Elba, but then realized that Amir's dad has to have skinny, spindly legs, which obviously suits Don Cheadle more. This cameo appearance would also possibly be doable, since Ben Schwartz stars alongside Cheadle in House of Lies. Possible episode: Amir's dad makes a surprise visit to the office
This is a perfect fit. More than perfect, actually. Subpar. Possible episode: Amir's mom stays with Amir and visits the office and Amir embarrassed by her
Louie's reddish-brown hair matches Jake's and if you've ever seen Louie, which if you watch J&A I assume you have, you know that he is quite capable of playing a fatherly character. Possible episode: We meet Jake's family at Christmas, where Amir somehow shows up at the Hurwitz' family party
Pete Holmes seems destined to be on the show as well, since he was a guest on the podcast and now also has his own show on TBS. A great way to utilize Pete's talents would be having him show up anytime Amir names one of his strange friends. Possible scene: Bradlynn films Amir's audition tape for The Real Housewives of Atlanta
It's not Jake and Amir without them.
Shia plays Mike, a lowly intern.
submitted by Chill_OReilly to jakeandamir [link] [comments]


2013.03.29 14:45 leron-uh Jake and Amir: Ultimatum

Intro: Patrick: Hey this is pat and you're watching Jake and Amir
Amir: nope, you ruined it.
Patrick: No you ruined it.
[starts, Amir and Mike at their desks.]
Amir: Hey Mike, can I talk to you about something?
Mike: Yes, of course.
Amir: Sarahs trying to start a rumor that you're gay...
Mike: [nods] Okay?
Amir: Yeah! I didn't know what that meant either. I guess gay has an alternate definition where like even though you're not a woman, right?
Mike: Right.
Amir: Right, so even though you're not a woman you still want to have sex with me?
Mike: yeah, that's right.
Amir: alright, so now I am confused. You are a woman?
Mike: Amir, why do you think i've been hanging out with you all week?
Amir: to be my friend?
Mike: I'm trying to get laid!
Amir: what?
Mike: are you really this stupid? Why would i want to be friends with somebody as dumb as you?
Amir: i thought we were partners..
Mike: I thought so too amir, we went to the movies.
Amir: Yeah?
Mike: for like five nights in a row!
Amir: So?
Mike: we french kissed!
Amir: [high pitched] is that what that was?
Mike: Oh my god. I did it again..I did it again!
Amir: So we're not best friends.
Mike: listen to me carefully, i never want to see your dumb ass, face slang hurling wanna be chill dude, cock tease!
Amir: Shhhh!
Mike: in my face again.
Amir: okay..relax.
Mike:And your free styles suck.
Amir: [snorts]
Mike: They don't rhyme!
Amir: [shrugs] so?
Mike: Bye.
Amir: well..im not going to leave..
Mike: Micheal, you have to move again [picks up plant from desk] how does this keep happening. It's like portland all over again. I've had to move nine times this month, austin, miami, fresno, barcelona, its all the got damn same.
[In Jakes office he corners amanda in the kitchen]
Jake: hey so I've been thinking about what you said, about who's obsessed with who. And I may have stumbled across something interesting, believe it or not.
Amanda: Really?
Jake: Yes, amanda panda Somewhere in you incoherant ramblings, you got me thinking. Maybe i'm having a hard time letting amir go. Not the other way around.
Amanda: well..maybe i can help you with that. [leans in to kiss jake]
[jake holds up phone and amanda kisses it]
Jake: this is him! He's calling me right now, he hasn't called me since I moved.
Amanda: Okay. If you answer that I wont be here when you hang up.
Jake: that's fine ill come find you after.
Amanda: no, jacob you have to chose. It's either him, or me.
~end~
submitted by leron-uh to JakeAndAmirScripts [link] [comments]


2013.03.14 00:16 andersminor Jake and Amir: Jake.

Jake (talking on phone): Yeah, I don't know. It's a little weird. Uh, I'll let you know. Alright, I'll tell you later.
Amir: What was that about?
Jake: Uh, this girl, that I'm kind of interested in, but we've been friends for a really long time-
Amir: (laughs) Honestly, I'm not even listening. That's how little I give a shit.
Jake: I open up like an inch, and you just-
Amir: Alright, want some real advice?
Jake: Sure.
Amir: This is what you do. It might come off as a little disgusting, or whatever-
Jake: Ok, then don't say it.
Amir: Ok, eat her pussy.
Jake: Oh, god, wish you didn't say that. Now I'm thinking about it.
Amir: Jakes.
Jake: I'm right here. We're having a conversation. Don't say my name in the middle of a conversation.
Amir: Yeah.
Jake: Ok. Yeah. We have a meeting to go to. Come on.
Amir: Not going to that meeting, partner.
Jake: Why?
Amir: I'm supposed to refresh the homepage over and over, and if it breaks, tell one of the programmers about it, so...
Jake: So, yeah, they had me do that like my first day as an intern, they told me I was way overqualified.
Amir: Yeah, well, I guess they think I'm perfectly qualified for it then, so...
Jake: You know, it's not even worth insulting you because you just don't get it.
Amir: Jake.
submitted by andersminor to JakeAndAmirScripts [link] [comments]


2013.03.10 10:51 rollored Jake and Amir: Halloween Costumes

INTRO
JAKE: You're watching Jake and Amir.
AMIR: Now, let a real maestro try it.
JAKE: No.
AMIR: Okay.
(Jake's on the phone, alone).
JAKE: Alright, well, just-
(Amir walks in and sits down, wearing a penguin costume...yes, the penguin costume from the "4th of July" episode)
AMIR: Costume number one.
(Jake puts down the phone)
JAKE: Jesus Christ, man. You've been missing for two days. You can't just show up and say "costume number one".
AMIR: Pros: It's cute. I can pee in it.
JAKE: We thought you were dead.
(Amir's in denim and a cowboy hat)
AMIR: (like John Wayne) This one's pretty playful, partner, but I'm worried it's too masculine.
JAKE: I wouldn't worry about that.
(Amir's in the penguin costume)
JAKE: We called your parents, who said "good riddance". I'm sorry that you had to hear that from me.
(Amir's wearing a rooster costume)
AMIR: Sure, this costume is a little "corny"...but I like it. (Amir does a weird laugh, like a cackle)
JAKE: Do you think you're in a corn costume?
(Amir's wearing an Indian headdress)
JAKE: Where were you man? For two days, you were just, you vanished.
(Amir's still in the rooster costume)
AMIR: Sorry, can you talk into my good "ear". (Amir does the cackle laugh again)
JAKE: You're NOT in a corn costume.
(Amir takes off the rooster head covering)
AMIR: Okay, well, it's freaking dark in that closet, man. I can't see anything.
(Amir's in a fireman costume)
AMIR: I'm one cock-a-doodle-dude.
JAKE: You changed out of the rooster costume?
AMIR: What?!
(Amir takes off the fireman's helmet and looks at it)
AMIR: Oh, f**k me!
(Amir's in a sheet with holes in it. His glasses are over the sheet. The sheet's lopsided and the holes don't match his glasses/eyes)
AMIR: Boo!! Uh heh heh.
JAKE: Look in the mirror and tell me if you think you look scary.
(Amir looks to his left)
AMIR: AUGH! I'M GONNA DIE!!
(Amir's in a peapod costume)
AMIR: This one's a little corny...but I like it.
JAKE: Still no.
AMIR: What?? No! No!
JAKE: You're not corn, you're peas.
AMIR: Peas?? I'm peas!
(Amir's wearing scrubs)
AMIR: You've just been diagnosed with bein' a bitch.
JAKE: We've been planning your funeral for an hour.
(Amir's in a Count Chocula costume)
AMIR: Yeah, I might be a little "corny" -
JAKE: Don't do this, cuz you know you're the Count! You came in and said "I vant to suck your chocolate."
AMIR: -but I like it.
(Amir's wearing a polka-dot dress)
JAKE: Bad costume.
AMIR: What costume? Okay, this is my shirt.
JAKE: That's a dress.
AMIR: Nooo, it's not.
JAKE: Stand up.
(Amir stands up)
AMIR: (sounding like he's proving Jake wrong) Ohhhh (suddenly realizes he's wearing a dress) Oh.
(Amir's in a Count Chocula costume)
(Amir's getting physical with Jake, as Jake tries to get away)
AMIR: Let me suck your chocolate!
JAKE: Stop...dude...you have to rela-
AMIR: You...don't tell me to freakin' relax.
(Jake punches Amir)
(Amir is in a corn costume)
JAKE: You know you finally have it, and you just blew it.
AMIR: What are you talking about?
JAKE: Look in the mirror. You're corn.
AMIR: Oh, no! I thought I was an ear of butter!
EPISODE LINK
submitted by rollored to JakeAndAmirScripts [link] [comments]


Jake and Amir: Kobayashi - YouTube Couples Therapist Part 1 (Jake and Amir w/ Ben Schwartz) Jake and Amir: Instant Messages Jake and Amir: Making the Band. Perform. Jake and Amir - YouTube Jake and Amir: Lights Out - YouTube You've finally lost it, Partner. Jake and Amir: Bake Sale - YouTube Jake and Amir: Online Shopping - YouTube

  1. Jake and Amir: Kobayashi - YouTube
  2. Couples Therapist Part 1 (Jake and Amir w/ Ben Schwartz)
  3. Jake and Amir: Instant Messages
  4. Jake and Amir: Making the Band. Perform.
  5. Jake and Amir - YouTube
  6. Jake and Amir: Lights Out - YouTube
  7. You've finally lost it, Partner.
  8. Jake and Amir: Bake Sale - YouTube
  9. Jake and Amir: Online Shopping - YouTube
  10. Jake and Amir: I.M's - YouTube

Jake and Amir S3 • E7 Couples Therapist Part 2 (Jake and Amir w/ Ben Schwartz) - Duration: 2:24. CollegeHumor 1,102,305 views. 2:24. 50+ videos Play all Mix - Couples Therapist Part 1 (Jake ... On February 17th, 2015, the final 8 episodes of Jake & Amir are being released. In their honor, I've compiled a playlist of all their videos. Time for binge-... We don't need to speak to eachother. A lot of what we say is body language. ALSO, we chat online all the time. So. Friendship is the ultimate treat. Are you afraid of the light? See more http://www.collegehumor.com LIKE us on: http://www.facebook.com/collegehumor FOLLOW us on: http://www.twitter.com/colle... NEWEST J&A MURPH GOES CRAZY http://bit.ly/176loO LIKE us on: http://www.facebook.com/collegehumor The boy who cried weiner. See more http://www.collegehumor.... Once you shop, you can't stop. See more http://www.collegehumor.com LIKE us on: http://www.facebook.com/collegehumor FOLLOW us on: http://www.twitter.com/col... I was JOKING. Wow! This video is unavailable. Watch Queue Queue Jake and Amir S2 • E66 Jake and Amir: 2 Months 2 Million Interview - Duration: 3:14. CollegeHumor 654,672 views. 3:14. Jake and Amir S2 • E74 Jake and Amir: Heavy Lifting - Duration: 2:06. You've finally lost it, Partner. R3fug33. Loading... Unsubscribe from R3fug33? ... NRL Coaches portrayed by Jake and Amir - Duration: 2:17. R3fug33 Recommended for you. 2:17.